How Does Infertility Affect Marriage? A Research Project

Infertility takes a huge toll on a person. I've talked about my own infertility and what I've had to go through to get here. I've asked Hubs to write a little something about my infertility from the perspective of a husband:

Hello all, you all know me as the husband of Knock on Wood. Not too long ago my wife shared our story about the battle with infertility. I'm going to add my perspective on our troubles, and the toll it took on us and our marriage. First of all it was rough seeing all the negative tests. The depressed look on my wife's face cycle after cycle, and there was nothing I could say or do that would help. It made me feel helpless and useless. Our love life became monotonous because sometimes it was scheduled, and to be honest, there were times I didn't enjoy it at all. It was a very stressful time for us and I tried to just go with the flow. She just needed to feel sad, or be mad sometimes, so I let her. I listened and just tried to be there as much as she wanted me to.

Now that my wife is pregnant (YAY!!!!!!) Our relationship has been better, she's been more upbeat, and positive (even thought she's sick right now as I'm writing this). I have been learning how to feed a baby and change diapers with my new nephew around (I've never been around babies). I want to end on this note: despite this hard chapter we've gone through, I love my wife with all my heart, and I think we're going to be great parents.

And all of this leads to the question: How does infertility affect marriage/relationships?

Well, I'm taking a research class this session and I've decided to conduct my own little study. I know some of you, dear readers, have fought or are currently fighting your own war on infertility, so I am asking you to help me out. I've created a survey that is completely anonymous that will hopefully give me a better sense of a possible answer to this question. If you would complete the survey for me, I would greatly appreciate it. If you haven't experienced infertility, but know someone who has, feel free to pass it along those you know who would be interested in participating.

Link to Survey

Have you ever participated in an study like this before? 

Pregnancy After Infertility

Now that the secret is out, I'll probably be around a little more. Well I hope so anyways. I'm telling you what, it's hard not to talk about or reference a pregnancy that is happening to you. Especially one that has be much anticipated by not only my husband and I, but all of our friends and family as well. A lot of people have been following our baby journey, and I hope no one is offended that we didn't spill the beans after those two pink lines popped up (we did tell immediate family and very few close friends).

Why not shout it from the rooftops and toss positive pregnancy tests on social media? Fear. And it is very real. Two of my close friends have recently experienced miscarriages. All I could think about after the initial shock wore off was that I would wake up tomorrow and it would be just a dream, that it wasn't real. I took more tests every few days and analyzed every single sensation or symptom. We had a little scare that it might be ectopic, so an emergency ultrasound was ordered at about 5 weeks. Thank God JellyBean was nestled safe in my uterus, and the pains I was feeling were probably the small cysts on my ovaries bursting (thanks PCOS).

After that reassurance, the fear was still there. Symptoms would come and go, and I was googling statistics as each week. I spotted one day and was scared to death. I was counting the days to our first official appointment at the OB, those three weeks seemed to have lasted years to me. I was so excited and nervous and scared. I knew we should be able to see the heartbeat, but knew there was a possibility that we wouldn't be able to hear it yet.

You can only imagine how in awe I was when she found it. There it was, fluttering away on the screen and then she turned the sound on. I couldn't even take my eyes off the screen to look at Hubs to see his reaction. My baby, there on the screen, extremely real. We didn't even remember to take a video of it!

I felt better after that appointment, until we got home. Then the anxiety and fear came crashing back in. "I'm still not past the first trimester, yet. Anything can happen." I tried to stay positive. And I would get irrationally angry at anyone who said anything like "Well I hope nothing happens" or "Hope it's a sticky bean" or "you should probably wait a while to tell people/buy things, just in case."

I reached the 12 week milestone on New Year's Day. And our next appointment is next week. Another anxious weeks of waiting.

I haven't decided how much of this pregnancy I'm going to share publicly. But I do know that you'll probably never see a "bumpdate" in this space or on social media. I've also decided not to share the names we've picked out either. As far as sharing gender and other details... I just don't know yet. Some things should be kept as a surprise right?

When did you share? How much did you share?

This is What MY Infertility Looks Like

It's taking a small handful of pills at least twice a day or more.

It's taking your temperature each morning and trying to figure out what each rise and fall means.

It's analyzing every single pinch and twinge you think you feel in your pelvic region.

It's peeing on test strips several times a day to determine a possible ovulation date.

It's trying to control your mood swings and emotions that are thrown out of sorts due to medication that is helping you ovulate because you can't on your own.

It's having to take that medication in the first place because you have PCOS.

It's blood tests once a month to make sure the medication is working correctly.

It's worrying about the chance of multiples with the medication you take that makes you ovulate, because you only want (and can truly handle) one child.

It's charting all these symptoms and tests and medications in three different fertility tracking apps and comparing them to each other.

It's timing sex around your fertile window.

It's trying make sex not seem like a chore for yourself or your husband.

It's blaming yourself for all the medical bills that are piling up and stressing out your husband.

It's stressing about the fact that those bills are only going to get bigger even when you do finally get pregnant.

It's knowing that if you do fall pregnant, you'll be considered 'high risk.'

It's having your heart broken over and over again with each negative pregnancy test.

It's explaining PCOS to every person you end up talking to about your infertility.

It's crying to your mom on the phone because your body can't do what it was built to do.

It's dealing with all of the symptoms of PCOS.

It's planning your schedule around what phase of your cycle you are in.

It's making baby blankets for family and friends when you'd rather be making them for yourself.

It's having to pass up really good deals and sales on baby stuff because you don't know if you'll ever get pregnant.

It's wondering if the bubble bath is too hot.

It's obsessing over everything that goes into yours and your husband's mouth.

It's having your nursery planned out in your head already, but you still have an empty room.

It's having an entire list of baby names picked out (and your mom hates almost all of them), and you wonder if you even need the list at all anymore.

It's joining several groups on Facebook to find support and to not feel alone in the process, only to debate leaving these groups when you see so many women posting their positive tests and yours are all negative.

It's feeling guilty for being upset that other women are finally getting their big fat positive test after years of trying, and you've only been trying for 14 months.

It's being happy for others who are pregnant, but sad for yourself because you're womb is still empty.

It's wondering if your husband is getting frustrated with your mood swings, but not saying anything.

It's having to crush the hopes of your mom and mother-in-law each unsuccessful cycle.

It's wondering if God is punishing you for some past transgression.

It's not all negative. There are some good things too. 

Having a prolonged "trying" stage has allowed me time for lots of research on everything involved with pregnancy, my health, and delivery.

It's given us more time to get some of our debt paid off.

It's given us more time to be able to be more comfortable financially when it comes time to trade in the Mustang for an SUV. 

It's brought my husband and I closer together as we work through all the emotions and "what ifs" that we're facing right now.

Going through all of this will make it all the more sweet when it finally does happen. Our child will know for damn sure that it is loved and very much wanted. I've tried to keep a log of sorts of everything we've done so far so that I can share it with our child someday. 

Infertility is different for each woman, each man, each couple. This is mine. This is ours.

A Blessing in Disguise

I never thought I would say this, but right this moment, my body's uncooperative attitude about baby making is a bit of a blessing in disguise. You read that right. A blessing in disguise. 

No, we're not giving up. We still want a baby of our own very much. However, summer is usually a slower period at the company where Hubs works, and normally it's not too bad for him, so he could still get in the hours he needed. This summer it's bad. For everyone. We won't be standing in line at the Food Pantry, but there won't be any excess for eating out, movies, or various other things. Just the essentials and stuff to complete the bathroom reno.  

God knew hard times were headed our way, so he pushed the pause button on our baby journey. While I was certainly not happy about it at the time, I understand now. He did lead us to our wonderful doctor a couple of months ago, and after a lot of thought and prayer, we have decided to begin medicated cycles to help my body remember what it was built for. Luckily the medications are super affordable for us, even during this slow period. So, here's hoping He pushes play, and we finally get our two pink lines.

If I had fallen pregnant earlier in the year, I'm almost certain we wouldn't be as comfortable as we are going into the summer season. After all, a lot goes into housing a tiny human in your body for 40 weeks and then getting a house ready for baby to join the outside world. We are prepared for doing all of that, when the time comes though. 

And it will come, in His time.

Have you ever experienced something like this?

My Battle with Infertility Part 2

Today I am picking up where we left off last Friday with our infertility journey. You can read part 1 HERE. 

We took December off with the cycle tracking, and when we got back from our Vacation, we tried to focus on getting healthier with a plan that worked better for us. I did loads of research on fertility supplements, even ordered some as a last ditch effort before going back to the doctor that I wasn't sure even wanted to help us. Then this past March I finally decided to seek a second opinion, and found a new doctor. We couldn't get in to see him until mid April, but when we finally did I knew I had made the right decision. While our new doctor agreed with me that I most likely do have PCOS, he didn't just brush me off and tell me to lose weight. He explained things to us, he gave us suggestions, he wanted to run more tests, and we started making a plan.

The interesting thing is that I (and here's a TMI warning) had some actual real spotting for the first time in 5 months during the first week of April. I was excited! Maybe the supplements I am taking have finally started to work! Hubs and I went to CVS and purchased the ridiculously expensive digital ovulation predictor kit (OPK) and I started the testing process as soon as this "period" ended. The second week of April we had our aforementioned appointment with the new doctor. On Monday, March 18, I got my first ever indication that I could possibly ovulate this cycle: a flashy smiley face on a pee stick (the flashy smiley face indicates the "high fertility" point in your cycle).

At my ultrasound appointment that Wednesday, it was confirmed for reals the diagnosis of PCOS by the presence of multiple, but tiny, cysts on my ovaries. But, when I told my awesome new doctor about the three consecutive days of the flashy smiley face, he said that I had reason to hope. He still gave me a prescription for progesterone to (hopefully) induce a healthy period if things don't pan out for us this cycle. We were leaving for North Carolina that evening, and I prayed while I was packing that day that we would get the solid smiley face indicating "peak fertility" and imminent ovulation.

We drove all night after I got out of class that Wednesday and at 4 am at a Shell Station somewhere in Tennessee I peed on a stick in a public bathroom. I tried not to look conspicuous when I walked back through the store to the car with the OPK in my hand waiting for the results to appear. In the privacy of our car we waited. Three minutes later my prayers were answered. A solid smiley face. You can only imagine the squeals of joy and happiness that happened right there in the gas station parking lot.

Although we didn't catch the egg this cycle, we are moving in the right direction. I've started the progesterone pills and we're praying for another ovulatory cycle before our next appointment the first week of June. Please keep us in your prayers as we navigate the coming weeks and I've appreciated all of the support and kind words.

If there is someone reading this that is suffering through their own battle with infertility, please just know that you are not alone, and you are not any less of a woman because you're body isn't playing nice. That's been my biggest struggle, feeling less than, but it's not true. In fact, I think it makes us stronger. You'll always be in my prayers, whether I know you or not.

My Battle with Infertility Part 1

Confused by the title? I thought you might be since I sorta announced two years ago, only four months into my marriage that I was definitely not in any hurry to have a baby and that it may or may not even happen for us (I was leaning more towards a baby free life).This post is kinda long and chock full of information from the past 12ish months. I debated the entire time whether or not I was going to talk about any of this on the blog, but when Becca shared her story it helped me feel better, like I am not alone in this struggle as a woman. And I thought that maybe if I shared my story it will help someone, like her's helped me.

In March of 2015, I got some news from my regular family doctor that began to solidify my suspicions that I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). I have several confirmed symptoms (irregular to no periods, extra hair growth in places I'm not supposed to have it, hair loss on my head, trouble losing weight, skin tags), the only thing I hadn't done was get an ultrasound to see if I had cysts on my ovaries. I was a wreck, but it was then, when I potentially had the decision to have a child taken away from me by my body, that I started to reassess my position. A few short weeks later we visited my family for Easter and I got to meet my baby nephew for the first time. It was all over from there.

Not long after we got home from that trip I brought the topic of having a child up to Hubs again. I'm not going lie, he totally thought it was all because I got to snuggle a cute baby at Easter. And that was an interesting conversation. Anyway, we talked and I thought and we talked some more for about two months, and finally decided that we were going to do it. We were going to try for a baby. So, in July of 2105 I had my IUD (intrauterine device) removed (surgically, by the way cause it had turned itself sideways) and after the required two weeks of recovery we began our journey.

That first negative pregnancy test was hard for me. I mean haaarrdddd. I even wrote about it, here. It didn't really get any better from there and I struggled with whether or not I was going to share our decision and this journey here in this space. I started tracking all the things: my basal body temperature, my cervical fluid, and used ovulation prediction kits (OPK). After several months with absolutely zero results on anything, it appeared to me that there was a problem: I wasn't ovulating.

In November we went back to my OBGYN to get some advice. She also agreed with me (and my GP) that PCOS seems the likely culprit holding up the process. That's when she put me on the Paleo Diet. However, she didn't offer us any other options other than for me to lose weight or talk about what the next steps were, and her beside manner was just not very warm. I was disappointed, but I tried anyways.

Paleo didn't work for us, which was no surprise to me. But we had the Thanksgiving, Christmas, and our cruise in December to look forward to, and I thought "maybe that whole 'relax and it will happen' thing might work for us." It didn't, and I fell into a deep depression. Things have gotten better though, and I will tell you all about that in Part 2 next Monday.

Part 2