Depression is like Cancer

I know it's December and people supposed to be joyful and happy, but that is not always the case. And before you start in on me for comparing a mental/mood disorder with cancer, just hear me out!

Chronic Depression is like a cancer of the mind and soul. It eats away at all the good parts leaving nasty gray spots of sadness and anger. It doesn't discriminate. It doesn't care what time of year it is. What it does do is affect every single aspect of your life, without giving any f*cks about it. Once it's started, it can feed on itself, getting stronger and stronger until it consumes your whole being, making you a shadow of the person you once were (or the person you present on the outside). 

Depression exaggerates every emotion you have. It makes you overthink things, going straight to the worst case scenario most of the time. You blame yourself for everything bad that has ever happened to you, and you "just know" that nothing will ever go well for you ever again because you just suck so much a life. You go over and over what you could have done to make things better, but you know that thinking about it doesn't make it better, it doesn't change things, but you do it anyways. And doing that makes you feel even worse about yourself and the choices you've made. Because you suck at life, remember?

It can be fatal. So many people who decide to end their lives experienced depression before doing so. 

What sucks the most, in my opinion, is that sometimes you can remember what it was like to be happy. When you do, you feel guilty for not being happy right now. I was talking to my mom about this and I was telling her all the great things I have going for me and how grateful I am for everything I have. And you know what she said? "Grateful doesn't always mean happy." Those words resonated so deep within me and got me thinking about things I didn't really want to think about, but really needed to think about. 

Grateful doesn't always mean happy. And depression is like cancer. 

I was officially diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder in 2012, but I suffered long before then. It's been a constant battle for most of my teenage years and all of my adulthood, and it will continue to be a battle for the rest of my life. It took me a long time to admit I had a problem, because I didn't want to be that "crazy" person who had to take pills and go to therapy to be able to get through life. That negative stigma around depression and it's treatments kept me from getting help for a very long time. AND THAT IS WRONG. 

It wasn't until a huge breakdown while sitting in my car in a Target parking lot hysterically ugly crying on the phone to my mom that I finally decided I was not ok, and I needed to do something about it. My doctor put me on an antidepressant and a few months later I started therapy. I saw a huge difference in myself after about 6 months, so did my mom and my friends. 

Since then I've been on and off medication and in and out of therapy (not by choice, meds and therapy cost money and I went through some hard times). I could tell when I was "off the wagon" for too long. It sucked. Like really bad. But for the past 18 months, I've been mostly stable and able to control my depression with medication and regular therapy. It's not easy. AT. ALL. But it's worth it. 

There is no cure for depression. None. Zip. Zero. Just like cancer. There is only an array of treatments, some of which work and some that don't. Just like cancer. It's not a choice. You can't "just get over it" and it's not "all in your head". Just like cancer. You need a support system, and a good doctor (and popsicles don't hurt either). Just like cancer. 

Depression is a cancer of the mind and soul. And no one should be made to feel ashamed, guilty, scared, or judged because they suffer from it. Just. Like. Cancer.

If you are considering suicide or going through a rough time, please seek help. 

You can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255, 

or you can text the Crisis Text Line by texting "Go" to 741-741 to text with a counsellor. 

or you can always reach out to me at knockonwoodblog@gmail.com

All life is precious.

7 Christmas Decorating Tips and Tricks

My favorite holiday is fast approaching and the thing that I love to do most is decorating my house. Inside and out. A friend once told me that during the holidays it looks like Pottery Barn exploded in my house (even though nothing I own is from Pottery Barn). The affinity for festive decor was passed down to me from my mom, and to her from her mom. I guess you could say it runs in the family.

Over the years I've developed my Christmas style, and (very slowly) built up my decor stockpile (I have a total of 5 tote bins and 2 boxes of stuff over 10 years). However, when I first was out on my own, I had to get creative. Sometimes funds are limited or you don't have much time. These tips and tricks I've learned have helped me so, so much.

1. If you have a smaller tree, elevate it to make it feel bigger. 
I love having our tree in the window so the lights can be seen from outside. We have a 5 foot tree, it's shorter than you think. To make it taller and feel a bit bigger, I put a box under the stand. The box I used this year is probably about 8 inches tall. We also have a 3 foot tree in our bedroom. I put that one on a TV tray. My Dad has a 4 foot tree and they have a small coffee-table-height table they put it on.

2. DIY "Mantle" Shelf
Much to my disappointment, we do not have a fireplace in our home. I'm 95% positive there used to be one (along with a second floor/attic room) that was taken out in a huge renovation to the house a few years before we moved in. We have some shelves in our living room that are above two of the doorways for the cats to get up and away from the dogs if they want. Well for Christmas, the larger one gets turned into a "mantle". I put up garland around the door frame, add some fairy lights, and hang the stockings. Another semi-permanent option is to purchase a floating Mantle shaped shelf (like this one) and designate a spot on the wall at the Mantle, then use it for candles and picture frames the rest of the year. More "mantles" could be bookshelves, window sills, hooks on the wall, get creative!

3. Use Clear Thumbtacks and Floral Wire to hang garland around windows and door frames.
Put a thumbtack just above the door/window frame on each corner and one in the middle. Attach a 6 inch length of floral wire around the coordinating spot on the garland in a loop, center and each side. Some measuring is involved with that part. Then hang the loops on the tacks. For a less damaging option you could use the small clear command hooks instead of tacks.

4. Dress up the decor you already have.
I use silk poinsettias, fake greenery, cinnamon (or not) pinecones, bows, fairy lights, candles, and bunting to transform my everyday decor items into a more festive version. For example, I have a hanging bucket in my gallery wall and I change out the flowers for each season. I put some cinnamon pinecones in a basket on the ottoman in the living room. I put fairy lights and a DIY mesh garland on top of my cabinets. I hung a DIY bunting on the bookshelves in my kitchen. I put a big red bow on my donkey planter on our porch. Even some holiday hand towels from the dollar section at target hung on your cabinets in the kitchen can liven things up.

5. Fill in your sparse artificial tree with garland.
Yep. Our fake tree is a lot less full as the box would have you believe. So I bought some extra garland and wound it in to fill in the bareness around the "trunk" part of the tree. Trust me it makes a huge difference.

6. Put fairy lights on the inside of your child's bedroom window
This doubles as a night light and decor! Plus it gives children a Christmas "chore" to do each night, to plug in their lights! Thanks to my Llama for this suggestion.

7. Hang extra ornaments from the curtain rod in the window.
I don't know about you, but I always have at least one box of Christmas balls leftover after I've decorated the tree. Sometimes I like to hang them at varying lengths with string/yarn/ribbon in my small kitchen window. But this would also be a great one for the kids rooms too!

BONUS!
Most people do up their main living spaces, but don't skip the bathroom when decorating. At least the bathroom your guests use, anyways. Holiday towels, candles, a wreath, or a rug can add a pop of Christmas spirit while you pee.


What's your Christmas style? Do you have any tips or tricks to add?

Captured on Film

If you follow me on Instagram, you're probably jealous that I got to hang out with Cassie from Sage and her husband Matt two weekends ago. If you don't follow me (or Cassie or Matt), you should, and after this post you, too, will be jealous of my blate (blogger date) with Cassie and Matt. Just saying.

Let me give you a back story of sorts: when I asked my mom what she wanted and what she thought my grandparents would want for Christmas, she told me they would love some professional photos of me and Hubs. We don't have any because we eloped and that doesn't require a fancy photographer and stuff. So, I started researching photographers in our area. I found a few, but they were on the higher end budget wise and all of them offered prints instead of digital copies.

And then BOOM. I remembered that Cassie's husband is a photographer. I found his website, Matt Boness Photography, and checked out his work. AH-mazing. His prices? Even more AH-mazing. So I reached out to Cassie hoping that she'd tell me he's not all booked up so close to the holidays, and she did! She, Matt, and I chatted about the theme and vision I had for the photos, then we set a date to meet up and make it happen.

We had so much fun! At first, posing is a little awkward, but after a few minutes, and Cassie's creative direction, we felt very comfortable and at ease in front of the camera. Matt took us all over the area surrounding the historic columns on the Mizzou campus, and the day couldn't have been more gorgeous.

Once the shoot was over, we walked to this lovely little tapas place they discovered close to campus. I can't remember what it's called, but everything on the menu looked delicious. The four of us fell into an easy conversation and there was a little bit of a beard bond between the guys. Cause, you know, beards are awesome and manly. I cannot wait to hang out with them again!

We got our photos the following Wednesday, and I literally squealed with delight when Hubs handed me the package. And then I cried because the photos were so wonderful. Matt was able to capture so much feeling in these photos. My parents and grandparents (and the in-laws) are going to LOVE them. I have plans to get one blown up to hang on our wall and our Christmas cards are going to rock this year!

So if you're in the mid-Missouri area and need photos taken, I highly recommend Matt. I've already told him we'll use him for all our future photography needs. Can you blame me?