Thoughts During This Christmas Season

I sat and stared at a blank page for hours trying to think of how to put my thoughts to into words. These thoughts are dark and not usually something I want to talk about outside of my support group, and sometimes I don't even talk about them then.

My moods have been so up and down this holiday season. Christmas is my favorite time of year, but now it's sort of been tainted. This time last year I was blissfully happy and pregnant with our son, Colby. We announced the pregnancy on Christmas day even. We had no idea what was in store for us, how could we know?

This year we should have had our son with us. This year we should be buying baby toys and clothes and wrapping them in sweet kid friendly wrapping paper. This year we should be getting ourselves ready for the first long road trip with our son to see my family in Georgia. This year we should be introducing our son to some of my family for the very first time. This year we will not be doing any of those things.

Instead we will be buying gifts for other people's children and traveling to Georgia on our own to show everyone our Colby Bear. This year I am also not pregnant again.

There are many sides to my grief and depression. It's mourning the loss of the life that could have been. It's the loss of possibilities and experiencing Christmas through his little eyes. It's battling infertility and PCOS. It's the loss of two grandparents. It's crying at the drop of a hat to certain songs or to random commercials. It's cringing in pain when I hear a baby cry in public. It's answering the question of "how many kids do you have?" with "one son in heaven." It's anxiety about being asked that question or other related questions.

This whole year is different than what I imagined it would be last year. So much has happened in the past 11 months... and then there is the one thing that has not happened. And while my good days are outnumbering the bad days, the bad days are still really bad and feel like they will go on forever. I hate to be a Debbie Downer, but these feelings are a very real part of my life, and I strive to be honest and open about my life in this space.

I do want to take the time to thank everyone for your amazing support and prayers. It means so much to us to know that there are people out there that we've never even met in person that care so much about us and our journey. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Grief and Mental Illness: End the Stigma

I almost started this post with an apology for being absent from this space for so long. Then I realized that I don't owe anyone an apology for taking time for myself and my own mental health while we grieve Colby. We are still grieving, and I have good days and bad days, but we must keep moving forward if we are to honor his little life and give him a little brother or sister.

I have lived with a mental illness for most of my life. Although I went undiagnosed and untreated for at least a decade, looking back, my depression began in my early teens. Nothing I did made it better, at least not in the long term. It wasn't until my early twenties that things escalated to the point it was affecting my relationships with the people in my life, but I didn't want to be "that crazy girl" who has to take medication to be "normal." But, in 2011 on a rainy afternoon I sat in my car crying to my mom on the phone in the Target parking lot, that I finally realized that I cannot do this on my own. I made an appointment with my family doctor, and was diagnosed with major depression and given a prescription for an antidepressant. Those were turbulent times. I wasn't always able to get my medication, and I spent many nights wishing to go to sleep and not wake up.

When I moved to Missouri in 2013, things got better (thanks to my wonderful husband). After we got married I was able to get back on my medication, and I started therapy. I wanted to be better, to be well. After a two medication changes with no improvement, I decided to have a formal psychological assessment done. December of 2016 I discovered what I've been fighting for the past 20 years. PTSD, depression, anxiety, and Bipolar II. So many emotions ranging from shock to relief flooded my mind and body. I immediately began to research these diagnoses and the medication that go along with them.

We found out we were pregnant in November, and at 14 weeks and 2 days gestation we lost our son, Colby, on January 20, 2017. It's been 19 weeks and 3 days (as of Monday) since that awful night and they have been the hardest days of my life. The most important thing I've learned from this is that the grieving process is so different for each person. There is NO set time that you have to "get over it" and "move on." Losing a child is extremely hard no matter what age, and that takes time to heal enough to start being ok again. I've learned to brush off the people who want me to get better at a faster pace, the ones who don't know that their words hurt, and the ones who don't offer any words at all. You really do find out who cares most when you experience a loss like this.

Grief on top of my existing depression and Bipolar II has made things difficult for not only me, but for those around me, most of all my husband. I'm learning to distinguish between grief emotions and reactions, and the "normal" ups and downs I experience with my Bipolar. And hubs is learning how to support and reassure me as we try to heal.I am now on new medications that are geared towards stabilizing my moods and am still in therapy. I also found a support group for miscarriage, pregnancy loss, and infant loss, and that has helped immensely.

I'm not telling you this to gain pity or sympathy, I don't want any of that, thanks. I am telling you this because this is me; this is my "normal." I am not ashamed of my mental illnesses, nor am I embarrassed that I need to take medication to balance the chemicals in my brain. I know my limits: what I can handle in a healthy way and what I cannot. Mental illness does not make me weak or less than, and I don't want to be treated as such. We need to break the negative stigma. It keeps many people from seeking the help they need, and encourages the rampant ignorance of psychological disorders in the general public.

I hope that by being open about my grief and mental illnesses I can shed some light on this side of the story. That I can help even just one person by letting them know they are not alone, and it's ok to get help. If you just need someone to listen, I'll be that person. If not me, reach out to a friend or family member. There are also support groups; find one in your area or even online.

A Blogger Reintroduction

It seems like a lot of people in blogland have taken some time off from blogging lately, myself included. Most of the time it's intentional, but sometimes it's not. Either way, we come back to our cozy spaces of the internet somewhat changed. I know I am not the same person today as I was in January when I unintentionally began to decrease my posting schedule and then in February when I just didn't show up to the party at all. A few weeks ago, I opened my email to find a message from Emily suggesting a re-introduction post since she's making her way back to blogland herself. The cool part is, she asked me, and a group of lovely ladies, to join her, and I thought that this is such perfect timing for me too! Now that I've got my sea legs back and I've gained some new readers (hi new readers!) a re-introduction is just the thing I need. So let's get to it!

Welcome to Knock on Wood! 

I've been blogging in this space for just over two years now, but it has come a loooonngg way since January of 2014. We've been through at least four design changes (that's what happens when you become a blog designer), two failed link-ups, yo-yo post schedules, and one total re-brand. I'm tired just thinking about all of that, are you?

Anyway, when I'm not blogging, I am a full-time student pursuing a degree in Clinical Psychology. I picked up my Associates in October 2015 and I'm hoping to be finished with my Bachelors in December of 2017, then I'll be off to get my Masters. Woo!

I just celebrated two years of marriage to my husband, Philip, and together we have two cats, Pumpkin and Misty, and we have Bear. Up until recently we had dachshund as well, but after months of thinking and debating and thinking some more, we decided that it would be best for us and for him if we found him a new home. And boy did we! He now lives on a farm with a family who already had doxie. They chase chickens and play tug of war and are just having a good time all around. We don't have any kids yet, but we're hoping to change that soon (read part 1 and part 2 of our Baby Journey).

As a part of this group re-introduction, we've come up with a list of questions for each of us to answer. Compare notes and get back to me on who's answers were your fav, ok? ok.

+ Where was the last place you traveled to? 

My cousin just happened to plan his wedding in North Carolina for two days after my and hubs' second wedding anniversary, so we decided to make it into a long weekend trip. We stopped in Asheville and visited the Biltmore Estate before we went on to Winston Salem for the wedding. It was a great weekend. For more than one reason (if you read our baby journey, you'll understand what I mean).

+ If you were stranded on a deserted island, what are three materialistic things you'd want with you?
My laptop, my phone, and the internet. I'd be unstoppable with those things.

+ If you knew you could not fail, what is the one thing you would do tomorrow?
Win the lottery! I mean, who doesn't want a few million dollars to play with? No, but really, it would be to get pregnant (if I'm not already, we're testing this weekend).

+What is your earliest memory?
My first memory is of my mom singing to me and reading me my favorite book when I was little. I actually wrote about this a while back for one of those failed link-ups, you can read the full story HERE.

+ If you could eat only one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?
I would totally be cool with eating pizza for the rest of my life. You can switch up the toppings and essentially have something different each day. Plus you still get all of the food groups!

+ Do you like your first name and why? If not, what would you change it to?
No. Actually, I hate it. I think would have liked it more if 3724936 other girls in my school didn't share my name with me and I didn't have to go by Amanda R. (or Amandar if you wanna go with what the stupid boys called me) for the whole of my grade school career. I reeeaallly wanted to go by my middle name, Nicole, but my mom wouldn't let me change it. If I could choose a name for myself now, it would be Sera. I guess you could say I love the name since that is what I named every single baby doll I owned growing up.

+When was the last time you tried something new, and what was it?
A couple of weeks ago I purchased my very first pair of funky patterned leggings from Target. I had be eyeing them for months and they were now on clearance, so I thought, why not? I was so sure that I wouldn't be able to pull them off and I'd only be wearing them when I clean my house. I was wrong. They actually look super adorable on me, especially with the top I just happened to have on that day.

+ If you could give yourself one gift, what would it be?
To be free from mental illness. I suffer from Depression and Anxiety, and it sucks. Every day that I make it out of bed is a small victory. So having that off my plate would make room in my brain for happier things, for patience, for self-esteem, for love, for serenity. And that would be nice.

+ Would you rather be the person asking the questions in a conversation or the person answering them?
Asking. I love to hear other people's stories, mostly because I'm nosy like that, but also because you never know what you may learn.

+ If you had to live in a place where only one season existed year-round, what would that season be?
Fall. Despite growing up the south, I'm not fan of Summer. The heat, the humidity, the sweat. Just, no. Give me crisp, cool days, scarves, and boots for life! Who's with me?

+ If money was no object, what would you do all day?
Travel! I haven't had many opportunities, or funds, to visit the places on my travel bucket list. Quite honestly, I probably won't ever complete it, but it's nice to dream though.

OK. That's enough about me. Go get yourself acquainted with these amazing women. Even if you already know them, you might learn something new!

Meagan - All the Joys

If you were stranded on a deserted island, what are three materialistic things you’d want with you?
A camera with unlimited memory, chapstick and a Kindle preloaded with hundreds of books. (too much?)

Read Meagan's Re-Intro

Cassie - Sage

Would you rather be the person asking the questions in a conversation or the person answering them?
I’m a complete introvert and have been told that I don’t talk about myself very often, so I guess that implies I would rather be the person asking the questions in a conversation.

Read Cassie's Re-Intro

Kelly - Southern Komfort Blog

If you could give yourself one gift, what would it be? 
I would have to say the gift to be able to travel (no worries about money, who would take of the pups, boring adult things). I would love to travel all around the nation and the world, just meeting people and doing life with them.

Read Kelly's Re-Intro

Emily - Ember Grey.

If you were stranded on a deserted island, what are three materialistic things you'd want with you?
A notebook, pen, and Sun-In. (Obviously.)

Read Emily's Re-Intro

Christine - Christine Everyday

If you knew you could not fail, what is the one thing you would do tomorrow?
I would go skydiving! That’s something I’ve always wanted to do, and if I knew for sure that I wouldn’t crash-land, I’d totally sign up.

Read Christine's Re-Intro

Lindsay - Bourbon, Lipstick, & Stilettos

If you knew you could not fail, what is the one thing you would do tomorrow? 
I would do web development/design. It is a dream of mine, but I'm struggling to find time to study and perfect it!

Read Lindsay's Re-Intro

Anne - Love the Here and Now

If you could give yourself one gift, what would it be?
Without fail, it would be self-confidence. I constantly second guess decisions and choices and don’t attempt new things because of a fear of failing or judgement. Truth be told, I could fail and be judged and I would be ok. Self-confidence would give me the edge I need not to care about those things and would enable to me to live free of doubt, fear, and feelings of inadequacy.

Read Anne's Re-Intro

Emelia - Dream Big & Buy the Shoes

If you knew you could not fail, what is the one thing you would do tomorrow?
I’ve always had the dream to be a wedding planner, but I would love to work with all types of events. I have a love of details and creating beautiful memories, so I would give it all to be an Event Planner and have the opportunity to make special moments for other people.

Read Emelia's Re-Intro

Rebecca- Adventures of Bug & Boo

Where was the last place you traveled to?
San Francisco! In February I took a long weekend to visit my BFF from middle school, and meet her new baby. It was my first time on the west coast and I fell in love! San Francisco is so different from NYC and London (both cities I lived in for a while) but it’s an awesome city in its own right. And the FOOD….I will definitely be back!

Read Rebecca's Re-Intro

Depression is like Cancer

I know it's December and people supposed to be joyful and happy, but that is not always the case. And before you start in on me for comparing a mental/mood disorder with cancer, just hear me out!

Chronic Depression is like a cancer of the mind and soul. It eats away at all the good parts leaving nasty gray spots of sadness and anger. It doesn't discriminate. It doesn't care what time of year it is. What it does do is affect every single aspect of your life, without giving any f*cks about it. Once it's started, it can feed on itself, getting stronger and stronger until it consumes your whole being, making you a shadow of the person you once were (or the person you present on the outside). 

Depression exaggerates every emotion you have. It makes you overthink things, going straight to the worst case scenario most of the time. You blame yourself for everything bad that has ever happened to you, and you "just know" that nothing will ever go well for you ever again because you just suck so much a life. You go over and over what you could have done to make things better, but you know that thinking about it doesn't make it better, it doesn't change things, but you do it anyways. And doing that makes you feel even worse about yourself and the choices you've made. Because you suck at life, remember?

It can be fatal. So many people who decide to end their lives experienced depression before doing so. 

What sucks the most, in my opinion, is that sometimes you can remember what it was like to be happy. When you do, you feel guilty for not being happy right now. I was talking to my mom about this and I was telling her all the great things I have going for me and how grateful I am for everything I have. And you know what she said? "Grateful doesn't always mean happy." Those words resonated so deep within me and got me thinking about things I didn't really want to think about, but really needed to think about. 

Grateful doesn't always mean happy. And depression is like cancer. 

I was officially diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder in 2012, but I suffered long before then. It's been a constant battle for most of my teenage years and all of my adulthood, and it will continue to be a battle for the rest of my life. It took me a long time to admit I had a problem, because I didn't want to be that "crazy" person who had to take pills and go to therapy to be able to get through life. That negative stigma around depression and it's treatments kept me from getting help for a very long time. AND THAT IS WRONG. 

It wasn't until a huge breakdown while sitting in my car in a Target parking lot hysterically ugly crying on the phone to my mom that I finally decided I was not ok, and I needed to do something about it. My doctor put me on an antidepressant and a few months later I started therapy. I saw a huge difference in myself after about 6 months, so did my mom and my friends. 

Since then I've been on and off medication and in and out of therapy (not by choice, meds and therapy cost money and I went through some hard times). I could tell when I was "off the wagon" for too long. It sucked. Like really bad. But for the past 18 months, I've been mostly stable and able to control my depression with medication and regular therapy. It's not easy. AT. ALL. But it's worth it. 

There is no cure for depression. None. Zip. Zero. Just like cancer. There is only an array of treatments, some of which work and some that don't. Just like cancer. It's not a choice. You can't "just get over it" and it's not "all in your head". Just like cancer. You need a support system, and a good doctor (and popsicles don't hurt either). Just like cancer. 

Depression is a cancer of the mind and soul. And no one should be made to feel ashamed, guilty, scared, or judged because they suffer from it. Just. Like. Cancer.

If you are considering suicide or going through a rough time, please seek help. 

You can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255, 

or you can text the Crisis Text Line by texting "Go" to 741-741 to text with a counsellor. 

or you can always reach out to me at knockonwoodblog@gmail.com

All life is precious.