A Reintroduction

It's been a while since I've posted on the regular. The biggest reason is grief. It sort of takes over every part of your life, and you don't know how long it will stay and to what intensity you'll experience it from day to day. You see, on January 20, 2017 we lost our son, Colby, at 14 weeks and 2 days gestation. I'll tell that story another day, but it shook us right to our core. I am not the same person I was on January 19th. I will never be that person again. So here I am to introduce this new self to you.

My name is Amanda, mommy of an angel, wife to Philip, and student of psychology. I have been blogging on and off here since January of 2014 and I'm hoping to make a comeback here this holiday season. I've blogged about food, marriage, DIY projects, and silly stuff like this funny conversation with my husband. This year, when I've blogged I've talked about those fun things, but I've also decided to share more about mental health and grief, as well as what not to say to a bereaved parent. I don't want all of my posts to be sad and/or serious, but I do think these issues need to be addressed, and I will continue to talk about them, as well as my son. Losing him has really brought home the importance of raising awareness about mental health, grief, and pregnancy loss.

I've talked a little about this on Instagram already, but I wanted to talk about it more here. For a long time after January, my life was make up of more bad days than good. And by bad days, I mean days where my grief has been so overwhelming that just getting out of bed was a victory. Recently, it has reversed. I have more good days than bad ones, and I am so grateful for them. I'm learning to turn my bad days into good ones, by reminding myself that Colby would want me to be happy and to enjoy things again. Sometimes this works, and other times it doesn't. Therapy and medications help a lot, and I am not ashamed to admit that. You have to do what you have to do to get your body and mind balanced.

Hubs and I celebrated 3 years of marriage in April, so we're nearly to 4 years now, haha. We live in Missouri, but want to move as soon as we can. We have two cats, Pumpkin and Misty. A few of you will be wondering about Bear, our great pyrenees. Well, after nearly 6 months of tearful deliberation, we decided to re-home him. He has needs that we were unable to fill, no matter how hard we tried. We did find him an amazing home with a family of 3 who have a large fenced in yard, which is just what he needs. Our home is not the same without Bear, but this decision was about what is best for him, not what is best for me and Hubs. 

Let's end this on a good note! I am this close to being done with my BA in Psychology. Like we're talking just weeks away! I haven't yet decided what I'm going to do afterwards, a lot depends on if we get pregnant again. Yes, we are trying to get pregnant again, but we are still battling my PCOS and infertility. Hubs has returned to school and I am so incredibly proud of him. He's decided to finish is Bachelors and get a Management Information Systems degree, which is a mix of IT and Business Administration. 

This is the new me.

Grief and Mental Illness: End the Stigma

I almost started this post with an apology for being absent from this space for so long. Then I realized that I don't owe anyone an apology for taking time for myself and my own mental health while we grieve Colby. We are still grieving, and I have good days and bad days, but we must keep moving forward if we are to honor his little life and give him a little brother or sister.

I have lived with a mental illness for most of my life. Although I went undiagnosed and untreated for at least a decade, looking back, my depression began in my early teens. Nothing I did made it better, at least not in the long term. It wasn't until my early twenties that things escalated to the point it was affecting my relationships with the people in my life, but I didn't want to be "that crazy girl" who has to take medication to be "normal." But, in 2011 on a rainy afternoon I sat in my car crying to my mom on the phone in the Target parking lot, that I finally realized that I cannot do this on my own. I made an appointment with my family doctor, and was diagnosed with major depression and given a prescription for an antidepressant. Those were turbulent times. I wasn't always able to get my medication, and I spent many nights wishing to go to sleep and not wake up.

When I moved to Missouri in 2013, things got better (thanks to my wonderful husband). After we got married I was able to get back on my medication, and I started therapy. I wanted to be better, to be well. After a two medication changes with no improvement, I decided to have a formal psychological assessment done. December of 2016 I discovered what I've been fighting for the past 20 years. PTSD, depression, anxiety, and Bipolar II. So many emotions ranging from shock to relief flooded my mind and body. I immediately began to research these diagnoses and the medication that go along with them.

We found out we were pregnant in November, and at 14 weeks and 2 days gestation we lost our son, Colby, on January 20, 2017. It's been 19 weeks and 3 days (as of Monday) since that awful night and they have been the hardest days of my life. The most important thing I've learned from this is that the grieving process is so different for each person. There is NO set time that you have to "get over it" and "move on." Losing a child is extremely hard no matter what age, and that takes time to heal enough to start being ok again. I've learned to brush off the people who want me to get better at a faster pace, the ones who don't know that their words hurt, and the ones who don't offer any words at all. You really do find out who cares most when you experience a loss like this.

Grief on top of my existing depression and Bipolar II has made things difficult for not only me, but for those around me, most of all my husband. I'm learning to distinguish between grief emotions and reactions, and the "normal" ups and downs I experience with my Bipolar. And hubs is learning how to support and reassure me as we try to heal.I am now on new medications that are geared towards stabilizing my moods and am still in therapy. I also found a support group for miscarriage, pregnancy loss, and infant loss, and that has helped immensely.

I'm not telling you this to gain pity or sympathy, I don't want any of that, thanks. I am telling you this because this is me; this is my "normal." I am not ashamed of my mental illnesses, nor am I embarrassed that I need to take medication to balance the chemicals in my brain. I know my limits: what I can handle in a healthy way and what I cannot. Mental illness does not make me weak or less than, and I don't want to be treated as such. We need to break the negative stigma. It keeps many people from seeking the help they need, and encourages the rampant ignorance of psychological disorders in the general public.

I hope that by being open about my grief and mental illnesses I can shed some light on this side of the story. That I can help even just one person by letting them know they are not alone, and it's ok to get help. If you just need someone to listen, I'll be that person. If not me, reach out to a friend or family member. There are also support groups; find one in your area or even online.

14 Things You're Supposed to Stop Doing After 30, But I'm Doing Them Anyway

Ok. So now that I'm thirty there are lists upon lists out there of things people, more specifically women, are supposed to stop doing once they turn the big three-oh. Yeah, some of those things are a great big basket of "DUH", somethings I've already stopped doing even before this dreaded birthday, but some of the things on these lists... yeah, no. I don't agree, and I'm going to do them anyway.

1. Stop Eating Fast Food (#16 on this list AND #11 on this list)

Seriously? I know it's not the best choice of foods, but sometimes you just NEED a good burger from Burger King or a chicken sandwich from Chick-fil-a, amiright?

2. Stop Wearing "Ugly" Underwear (#5 on this list)

Ok. Their definition of "ugly" in this particular list was "granny panties" and the like. Well, sorry folks. They. Are. Comfy. Plus you just need more coverage during shark week. 

3. Don't Have a full on Birthday Week (#31 on this list)

Ok. So maybe I don't do this myself, but who am I to tell someone how to celebrate the day/week they entered the world? Do you, girl. Do. You.

4. Stop Letting Your Laundry Pile up (#34 on this list)

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

5. Don't Have a Stuffed Animal on the Bed (#5 on this list AND #16 on this list)

Confession time. I still sleep with a stuffed bear named Scott. I've tried sleeping without him, and it's HARD. But honestly, no one goes in our bedroom to see him sitting there on the bed. Keep that stuffed llama that your granny gave you when you were six, or that giraffe your best friend gave your for your twenty-first birthday as a joke. Stuffed animals hold memories.

6. Stop Crushing on Justin Bieber (#13 on this list)

Nope. Nope. Nope. He may be a bit of a A-hole sometimes, but that boy has talent and a ripped body. 

7. Stop Calling your Father "Daddy"(or Mother "Mommy") (#15 on this list)

I'm sorry. WHAT? My mom will always be Mommy and my dad will always be Daddy. 

8. Stop Wearing Oversized Sunglasses (#18 on this list AND #1 on this list)

These are the only kind that look good on my face, and they provide great coverage and protection from the harmful UV rays. 

9. Stop adding tattoos to your body (#15 on this list)

Dude. No. I love my tattoos and I want more. I am on board with the whole not getting them in dumb places like on your face, but it's MY body and I'll do what I want with it.

10. Stop Wearing Leggings (#17 on this list)

Leggings and Yoga Pants are too damn comfortable to erase them from my wardrobe. I think that as long as they are not too tight and you wear a shirt or cardigan long enough to cover your bum, you're good to go!

11. Don't Own CDs From Your Teenage Years (#26 on this list) 

Really? I still have a CD book full of Backstreet Boys, N*Sync, Hanson, Britney Spears, and Mariah Carey. Here's the kicker, I keep it in my car to listen to when I'm feeling nostalgic. 

12. Stop Wearing Screen Printed Tees (#24 on this list AND #7 on this list)

Ok. Most of the time screen printed tees are not appropriate for anyone over 25 anyways, but there are some that you just can't pass up. And, if worn creatively, they can be a great addition to your casual wardrobe. 

13. Stop Wearing Glitter Nail Polish (#31 on this list)

Glitter can be done in a very classy way now, I'm just saying.

14. Don't Own Personal Gaming Systems (#21 on this list)

Ok. Ok. I get not playing them for days at a time, we all have way better things to do, but gaming is how my husband and I met. It's still something we like to do together sometimes, and I'm not giving it up.

What are some things you're not "supposed" to do at your age, but you do anyway?

Another Decade Down, Seven More to Go (Hopefully)

I don't feel thirty. Not even close. But that doesn't negate the fact that I turned the big three-oh yesterday. To be honest, the day didn't start out like I had pictured in my head, and I was so disappointed and angry about it too. Until Hubs' lunch time rolled around and he walked through our front door with flowers and cheesecake (I'm not a huge regular cake eater). Then he topped that off with his announcement that we were going to the Ford Dealership sometime this week to trade his baby, our red Mustang, for a more child friendly piece of transport. We ended up making an appointment to see the vehicle in question this afternoon when he gets home from work. Be prepared for tons of new car snaps and Instagrams!

A while back, I was reading Mar's 30th birthday post and I liked that she reviewed an entire decade of her life to bid farewell to her twenties in a positive way. It's a lovely idea and I thought I might do the same.

20: I moved out on my own for the first time and was learning what it's like to take care of myself. I didn't do very well at first, but I managed to figure it out after a month or two. Not long before this birthday I had met my Llama and we became bestest friends.

21: Yeah. I was sick on this birthday, but it was still made very special by someone who is now one of my very best friends even though we haven't seen each other in nearly three years. Nothing very significant happened this year, but I was still making ends meet.

22: This is the year when I got out of the service and retail industries and began to look after the sweetest little boy in the whole wide world. Being a Nanny was so fulfilling and fun, plus I got a lot of training for my own little one in the future. I taught him to walk, we painted, we played, we sleep trained, and I grew to love him so much. I also left the country for the first time and went to England for two weeks. It was amazing and I want to go back so badly!

23: My life got flipped upside down. Everything changed. I was a wreck. I had to move back in with my parents, find a new car, find a new job, re-home my dog, and figure out what my next move would be. This when you figure out who your real friends are, and I had some good ones.

24: My new job was going well, and was able to move back out on my own again. I lost my Llama this year though, and that was a kick in the gut. This is the year that I began playing the online game that led me to my husband, so that's fun!

25: I managed to land my very first big-girl job. You know, one where flip flops are definitely NOT appropriate for the office and you get paid a salary rather than clocking in hours. I moved twice, and my car breathed it's last breath.

26: Armed with my brand new-to-me car, I moved two more times this year. Let's just say people are fickle and they aren't always prepared to have a roommate. I ended up in a place that I really loved, and then I lost my job. The only highlight was that Philip came down to Georgia for the Easter weekend, and this was the very first time we met in person. Then went my rent went up that spring, I had to move again.

27: Still unemployed, but I fell in love with my new house and my sweet roommates. I'm telling you, boys are so much easier to live with than girls. Philip came down again to help me celebrate my birthday, and finally my new job. Only a month later I decided that I needed a fresh start. And off to Missouri I went. In January of 2014 I started this blog, on April 9th he proposed, and on April 21st we eloped. In other big news, I started school again in June.

28: We just enjoyed being married and making our house and home. I was doing well in school, we adopted Bear in the Fall of 2014, and in July of 2015 decided to start trying for a baby.

29: Most of this year has been consumed with school and battling my infertility. Then we went on our very first cruise! It was so much fun and I can't wait to go on another. I received my Associates degree, then we celebrated two years of marriage as we watched my cousin get married.


So here's to the hardest decade of my life so far, and all the things it taught me. Let's hope my thirties will bring nothing but happiness and love.

This is What MY Infertility Looks Like

It's taking a small handful of pills at least twice a day or more.

It's taking your temperature each morning and trying to figure out what each rise and fall means.

It's analyzing every single pinch and twinge you think you feel in your pelvic region.

It's peeing on test strips several times a day to determine a possible ovulation date.

It's trying to control your mood swings and emotions that are thrown out of sorts due to medication that is helping you ovulate because you can't on your own.

It's having to take that medication in the first place because you have PCOS.

It's blood tests once a month to make sure the medication is working correctly.

It's worrying about the chance of multiples with the medication you take that makes you ovulate, because you only want (and can truly handle) one child.

It's charting all these symptoms and tests and medications in three different fertility tracking apps and comparing them to each other.

It's timing sex around your fertile window.

It's trying make sex not seem like a chore for yourself or your husband.

It's blaming yourself for all the medical bills that are piling up and stressing out your husband.

It's stressing about the fact that those bills are only going to get bigger even when you do finally get pregnant.

It's knowing that if you do fall pregnant, you'll be considered 'high risk.'

It's having your heart broken over and over again with each negative pregnancy test.

It's explaining PCOS to every person you end up talking to about your infertility.

It's crying to your mom on the phone because your body can't do what it was built to do.

It's dealing with all of the symptoms of PCOS.

It's planning your schedule around what phase of your cycle you are in.

It's making baby blankets for family and friends when you'd rather be making them for yourself.

It's having to pass up really good deals and sales on baby stuff because you don't know if you'll ever get pregnant.

It's wondering if the bubble bath is too hot.

It's obsessing over everything that goes into yours and your husband's mouth.

It's having your nursery planned out in your head already, but you still have an empty room.

It's having an entire list of baby names picked out (and your mom hates almost all of them), and you wonder if you even need the list at all anymore.

It's joining several groups on Facebook to find support and to not feel alone in the process, only to debate leaving these groups when you see so many women posting their positive tests and yours are all negative.

It's feeling guilty for being upset that other women are finally getting their big fat positive test after years of trying, and you've only been trying for 14 months.

It's being happy for others who are pregnant, but sad for yourself because you're womb is still empty.

It's wondering if your husband is getting frustrated with your mood swings, but not saying anything.

It's having to crush the hopes of your mom and mother-in-law each unsuccessful cycle.

It's wondering if God is punishing you for some past transgression.

It's not all negative. There are some good things too. 

Having a prolonged "trying" stage has allowed me time for lots of research on everything involved with pregnancy, my health, and delivery.

It's given us more time to get some of our debt paid off.

It's given us more time to be able to be more comfortable financially when it comes time to trade in the Mustang for an SUV. 

It's brought my husband and I closer together as we work through all the emotions and "what ifs" that we're facing right now.

Going through all of this will make it all the more sweet when it finally does happen. Our child will know for damn sure that it is loved and very much wanted. I've tried to keep a log of sorts of everything we've done so far so that I can share it with our child someday. 

Infertility is different for each woman, each man, each couple. This is mine. This is ours.

Personality Types and Marriage

A couple of sessions ago, I signed up for the Personality Theory class. The insight I gained about myself in comparison to others is remarkable, and it’s helped me be more comfortable and confident in the path I have chosen. We took the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) in class, but I already had an idea of what my results would be as I had taken a similar test online about a year prior (You can take it for yourself HERE). However, the results from the MBTI differed from the online test by one letter, but only slightly on the scale.

People do change, therefore their personalities change as well, so I took the online test again to see if I would receive the same type as the MBTI taken in class: ISFJ. I did not, I got the same result as I did when I took it a year ago: INFJ. I found a different online test and got INFJ again. When I compared the two types side by side, I felt that I related more to the INFJ descriptions that I did the ISFJ ones.

Our Personality Types

I am an INFJ. This means I am Introverted (I), Intuitive (N), Feeling (F), and Judging (J). A general description is that I seek more out of life than just living it, there has to be a meaning in everything I do. INFJs have a desire to understand the motivations of others, as well as themselves, and generally have an insightful nature when it comes to interacting with those around them. INFJs also have a strong set of core values they can be quite stubborn in upholding. They are never satisfied or at peace with themselves, making them feel like they are always a work in progress, but INFJs believe that they are almost always right (duh) witch makes them come off as stubborn and that they ignore other's opinions.

When Hubs took the MBTI, he received the ISFJ personality score. Introversion (I), sensing (S), and judging (J) were no surprise to me. It was the Feeling (F) that threw me for a loop. I would have pegged my husband as a Thinker (T) instead. Like INFJs, ISFJs are perfectionists, however ISFJs take things far more literally than often intended. They have an exceptional memory when it comes to the people in their lives, and learn best by doing. While their feelings of inadequacy can be quite strong (they are their own worst critic), they are very responsible and make sure the all things in their lives are running smoothly. ISFJs are not very expressive with their feelings (no surprise), and they don't often let on that they know what others are feeling either. 

But what does this mean for us together?

What’s great about our personality types is that they are so similar, however this can also pose some significant problems as well. Due to our introversion, we struggle, at times, with communication. We keep our feelings and emotions locked up when we should be sharing them with each other. Being Intuitive though, we still have an idea about wha the other is thinking and feeling. However, I often read farther into his comments and statements than I should, and he doesn’t read into mine as deeply as I’d like him to. This is something we have been working on, and will probably have to work on for the duration of our marriage (forever, duh).

Another, hilariously, accurate description I found for our personality types together is that Hubs doesn’t understand why I can’t keep up with the laundry and dishes. This is because I get lost in my thoughts and forget about doing them. I literally laughed out loud when I read about this, and said to my husband “That’s so us!” Knowing these types of things about each other helps us to take a step back and not be so reactive when things don't go our own way.

Enough with the negative, because there are some amazing things about and INFJ-ISFJ marriage. We balance each other out: he keeps me grounded, while I encourage him to dream a little more. He’s amazing with our finances, and I have the ability to let go and let him take the reigns where money is concerned. We both understand the other’s need to have “me time” and are very good listeners when we actually open up and talk to each other. As feeling types, we can be more in tune with each other’s feelings surround a conflict and take great care not to hurt the other. Finally, we are both planners (INFJ and ISFJ – Compatibility, Relationships, and Friendships).  

The key to any relationship, though, is a good sense of humor. If we don’t laugh at and with one another from time to time, I don’t think anyone would make it.

Take the test. Have your partner take the test. Then check out the relationship sections to see how you compare. You can learn so much. 

Have you every taken a personality test before? Did you learn something new about yourself?

References
Cox, B. (2011, November 10). It's Hard To Be an INFJ---The Rarest Myers-Briggs Personality Type. Retrieved October 4, 2015, from http://beaconstreetusa.com/wp/its-hard-to-be-an-infj/
INFJ. (n.d.). Retrieved October 4, 2015, from http://www.truity.com/personality-type/infj
INFJ Personality ("The Advocate"). (n.d.). Retrieved October 4, 2015, from http://www.16personalities.com/infj-personality
INFJ and ISFJ – Compatibility, Relationships, and Friendships. (n.d.). Retrieved October 5, 2015, from http://personalitygrowth.com/infj-and-isfj-compatibility-relationships-and-friendships/
ISFJ-INFJ Relationship. (n.d.). Retrieved October 5, 2015, from http://www.personality-central.com/ISFJ-INFJ.html
Portrait of an INFJ. (n.d.). Retrieved October 4, 2015, from https://www.personalitypage.com/INFJ.html
Portrait of an INFJ. (n.d.). Retrieved October 4, 2015, from http://www.personalitypage.com/ISFJ.html

A Blogger Reintroduction

It seems like a lot of people in blogland have taken some time off from blogging lately, myself included. Most of the time it's intentional, but sometimes it's not. Either way, we come back to our cozy spaces of the internet somewhat changed. I know I am not the same person today as I was in January when I unintentionally began to decrease my posting schedule and then in February when I just didn't show up to the party at all. A few weeks ago, I opened my email to find a message from Emily suggesting a re-introduction post since she's making her way back to blogland herself. The cool part is, she asked me, and a group of lovely ladies, to join her, and I thought that this is such perfect timing for me too! Now that I've got my sea legs back and I've gained some new readers (hi new readers!) a re-introduction is just the thing I need. So let's get to it!

Welcome to Knock on Wood! 

I've been blogging in this space for just over two years now, but it has come a loooonngg way since January of 2014. We've been through at least four design changes (that's what happens when you become a blog designer), two failed link-ups, yo-yo post schedules, and one total re-brand. I'm tired just thinking about all of that, are you?

Anyway, when I'm not blogging, I am a full-time student pursuing a degree in Clinical Psychology. I picked up my Associates in October 2015 and I'm hoping to be finished with my Bachelors in December of 2017, then I'll be off to get my Masters. Woo!

I just celebrated two years of marriage to my husband, Philip, and together we have two cats, Pumpkin and Misty, and we have Bear. Up until recently we had dachshund as well, but after months of thinking and debating and thinking some more, we decided that it would be best for us and for him if we found him a new home. And boy did we! He now lives on a farm with a family who already had doxie. They chase chickens and play tug of war and are just having a good time all around. We don't have any kids yet, but we're hoping to change that soon (read part 1 and part 2 of our Baby Journey).

As a part of this group re-introduction, we've come up with a list of questions for each of us to answer. Compare notes and get back to me on who's answers were your fav, ok? ok.

+ Where was the last place you traveled to? 

My cousin just happened to plan his wedding in North Carolina for two days after my and hubs' second wedding anniversary, so we decided to make it into a long weekend trip. We stopped in Asheville and visited the Biltmore Estate before we went on to Winston Salem for the wedding. It was a great weekend. For more than one reason (if you read our baby journey, you'll understand what I mean).

+ If you were stranded on a deserted island, what are three materialistic things you'd want with you?
My laptop, my phone, and the internet. I'd be unstoppable with those things.

+ If you knew you could not fail, what is the one thing you would do tomorrow?
Win the lottery! I mean, who doesn't want a few million dollars to play with? No, but really, it would be to get pregnant (if I'm not already, we're testing this weekend).

+What is your earliest memory?
My first memory is of my mom singing to me and reading me my favorite book when I was little. I actually wrote about this a while back for one of those failed link-ups, you can read the full story HERE.

+ If you could eat only one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?
I would totally be cool with eating pizza for the rest of my life. You can switch up the toppings and essentially have something different each day. Plus you still get all of the food groups!

+ Do you like your first name and why? If not, what would you change it to?
No. Actually, I hate it. I think would have liked it more if 3724936 other girls in my school didn't share my name with me and I didn't have to go by Amanda R. (or Amandar if you wanna go with what the stupid boys called me) for the whole of my grade school career. I reeeaallly wanted to go by my middle name, Nicole, but my mom wouldn't let me change it. If I could choose a name for myself now, it would be Sera. I guess you could say I love the name since that is what I named every single baby doll I owned growing up.

+When was the last time you tried something new, and what was it?
A couple of weeks ago I purchased my very first pair of funky patterned leggings from Target. I had be eyeing them for months and they were now on clearance, so I thought, why not? I was so sure that I wouldn't be able to pull them off and I'd only be wearing them when I clean my house. I was wrong. They actually look super adorable on me, especially with the top I just happened to have on that day.

+ If you could give yourself one gift, what would it be?
To be free from mental illness. I suffer from Depression and Anxiety, and it sucks. Every day that I make it out of bed is a small victory. So having that off my plate would make room in my brain for happier things, for patience, for self-esteem, for love, for serenity. And that would be nice.

+ Would you rather be the person asking the questions in a conversation or the person answering them?
Asking. I love to hear other people's stories, mostly because I'm nosy like that, but also because you never know what you may learn.

+ If you had to live in a place where only one season existed year-round, what would that season be?
Fall. Despite growing up the south, I'm not fan of Summer. The heat, the humidity, the sweat. Just, no. Give me crisp, cool days, scarves, and boots for life! Who's with me?

+ If money was no object, what would you do all day?
Travel! I haven't had many opportunities, or funds, to visit the places on my travel bucket list. Quite honestly, I probably won't ever complete it, but it's nice to dream though.

OK. That's enough about me. Go get yourself acquainted with these amazing women. Even if you already know them, you might learn something new!

Meagan - All the Joys

If you were stranded on a deserted island, what are three materialistic things you’d want with you?
A camera with unlimited memory, chapstick and a Kindle preloaded with hundreds of books. (too much?)

Read Meagan's Re-Intro

Cassie - Sage

Would you rather be the person asking the questions in a conversation or the person answering them?
I’m a complete introvert and have been told that I don’t talk about myself very often, so I guess that implies I would rather be the person asking the questions in a conversation.

Read Cassie's Re-Intro

Kelly - Southern Komfort Blog

If you could give yourself one gift, what would it be? 
I would have to say the gift to be able to travel (no worries about money, who would take of the pups, boring adult things). I would love to travel all around the nation and the world, just meeting people and doing life with them.

Read Kelly's Re-Intro

Emily - Ember Grey.

If you were stranded on a deserted island, what are three materialistic things you'd want with you?
A notebook, pen, and Sun-In. (Obviously.)

Read Emily's Re-Intro

Christine - Christine Everyday

If you knew you could not fail, what is the one thing you would do tomorrow?
I would go skydiving! That’s something I’ve always wanted to do, and if I knew for sure that I wouldn’t crash-land, I’d totally sign up.

Read Christine's Re-Intro

Lindsay - Bourbon, Lipstick, & Stilettos

If you knew you could not fail, what is the one thing you would do tomorrow? 
I would do web development/design. It is a dream of mine, but I'm struggling to find time to study and perfect it!

Read Lindsay's Re-Intro

Anne - Love the Here and Now

If you could give yourself one gift, what would it be?
Without fail, it would be self-confidence. I constantly second guess decisions and choices and don’t attempt new things because of a fear of failing or judgement. Truth be told, I could fail and be judged and I would be ok. Self-confidence would give me the edge I need not to care about those things and would enable to me to live free of doubt, fear, and feelings of inadequacy.

Read Anne's Re-Intro

Emelia - Dream Big & Buy the Shoes

If you knew you could not fail, what is the one thing you would do tomorrow?
I’ve always had the dream to be a wedding planner, but I would love to work with all types of events. I have a love of details and creating beautiful memories, so I would give it all to be an Event Planner and have the opportunity to make special moments for other people.

Read Emelia's Re-Intro

Rebecca- Adventures of Bug & Boo

Where was the last place you traveled to?
San Francisco! In February I took a long weekend to visit my BFF from middle school, and meet her new baby. It was my first time on the west coast and I fell in love! San Francisco is so different from NYC and London (both cities I lived in for a while) but it’s an awesome city in its own right. And the FOOD….I will definitely be back!

Read Rebecca's Re-Intro

My Battle with Infertility Part 2

Today I am picking up where we left off last Friday with our infertility journey. You can read part 1 HERE. 

We took December off with the cycle tracking, and when we got back from our Vacation, we tried to focus on getting healthier with a plan that worked better for us. I did loads of research on fertility supplements, even ordered some as a last ditch effort before going back to the doctor that I wasn't sure even wanted to help us. Then this past March I finally decided to seek a second opinion, and found a new doctor. We couldn't get in to see him until mid April, but when we finally did I knew I had made the right decision. While our new doctor agreed with me that I most likely do have PCOS, he didn't just brush me off and tell me to lose weight. He explained things to us, he gave us suggestions, he wanted to run more tests, and we started making a plan.

The interesting thing is that I (and here's a TMI warning) had some actual real spotting for the first time in 5 months during the first week of April. I was excited! Maybe the supplements I am taking have finally started to work! Hubs and I went to CVS and purchased the ridiculously expensive digital ovulation predictor kit (OPK) and I started the testing process as soon as this "period" ended. The second week of April we had our aforementioned appointment with the new doctor. On Monday, March 18, I got my first ever indication that I could possibly ovulate this cycle: a flashy smiley face on a pee stick (the flashy smiley face indicates the "high fertility" point in your cycle).

At my ultrasound appointment that Wednesday, it was confirmed for reals the diagnosis of PCOS by the presence of multiple, but tiny, cysts on my ovaries. But, when I told my awesome new doctor about the three consecutive days of the flashy smiley face, he said that I had reason to hope. He still gave me a prescription for progesterone to (hopefully) induce a healthy period if things don't pan out for us this cycle. We were leaving for North Carolina that evening, and I prayed while I was packing that day that we would get the solid smiley face indicating "peak fertility" and imminent ovulation.

We drove all night after I got out of class that Wednesday and at 4 am at a Shell Station somewhere in Tennessee I peed on a stick in a public bathroom. I tried not to look conspicuous when I walked back through the store to the car with the OPK in my hand waiting for the results to appear. In the privacy of our car we waited. Three minutes later my prayers were answered. A solid smiley face. You can only imagine the squeals of joy and happiness that happened right there in the gas station parking lot.

Although we didn't catch the egg this cycle, we are moving in the right direction. I've started the progesterone pills and we're praying for another ovulatory cycle before our next appointment the first week of June. Please keep us in your prayers as we navigate the coming weeks and I've appreciated all of the support and kind words.

If there is someone reading this that is suffering through their own battle with infertility, please just know that you are not alone, and you are not any less of a woman because you're body isn't playing nice. That's been my biggest struggle, feeling less than, but it's not true. In fact, I think it makes us stronger. You'll always be in my prayers, whether I know you or not.

My Battle with Infertility Part 1

Confused by the title? I thought you might be since I sorta announced two years ago, only four months into my marriage that I was definitely not in any hurry to have a baby and that it may or may not even happen for us (I was leaning more towards a baby free life).This post is kinda long and chock full of information from the past 12ish months. I debated the entire time whether or not I was going to talk about any of this on the blog, but when Becca shared her story it helped me feel better, like I am not alone in this struggle as a woman. And I thought that maybe if I shared my story it will help someone, like her's helped me.

In March of 2015, I got some news from my regular family doctor that began to solidify my suspicions that I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). I have several confirmed symptoms (irregular to no periods, extra hair growth in places I'm not supposed to have it, hair loss on my head, trouble losing weight, skin tags), the only thing I hadn't done was get an ultrasound to see if I had cysts on my ovaries. I was a wreck, but it was then, when I potentially had the decision to have a child taken away from me by my body, that I started to reassess my position. A few short weeks later we visited my family for Easter and I got to meet my baby nephew for the first time. It was all over from there.

Not long after we got home from that trip I brought the topic of having a child up to Hubs again. I'm not going lie, he totally thought it was all because I got to snuggle a cute baby at Easter. And that was an interesting conversation. Anyway, we talked and I thought and we talked some more for about two months, and finally decided that we were going to do it. We were going to try for a baby. So, in July of 2105 I had my IUD (intrauterine device) removed (surgically, by the way cause it had turned itself sideways) and after the required two weeks of recovery we began our journey.

That first negative pregnancy test was hard for me. I mean haaarrdddd. I even wrote about it, here. It didn't really get any better from there and I struggled with whether or not I was going to share our decision and this journey here in this space. I started tracking all the things: my basal body temperature, my cervical fluid, and used ovulation prediction kits (OPK). After several months with absolutely zero results on anything, it appeared to me that there was a problem: I wasn't ovulating.

In November we went back to my OBGYN to get some advice. She also agreed with me (and my GP) that PCOS seems the likely culprit holding up the process. That's when she put me on the Paleo Diet. However, she didn't offer us any other options other than for me to lose weight or talk about what the next steps were, and her beside manner was just not very warm. I was disappointed, but I tried anyways.

Paleo didn't work for us, which was no surprise to me. But we had the Thanksgiving, Christmas, and our cruise in December to look forward to, and I thought "maybe that whole 'relax and it will happen' thing might work for us." It didn't, and I fell into a deep depression. Things have gotten better though, and I will tell you all about that in Part 2 next Monday.

Part 2

It WILL Be Worth The Work

I was a pretty active kid. My bothers and I would play outside for hours and hours, running around, riding bikes, roller blades, jump ropes, you know, kid stuff. Then I had a bit of a rough patch emotionally with some family stuff right before and during middle school, and that's when the pounds started sticking. Ever since then I've had trouble losing and maintaining my weight. That totally made high school super fun... not. It was a slow build, the kind you don't notice until you're buying new jeans four sizes bigger than you remember. Yep, that was me Freshman year of high school, and it only went downhill up-scale (haha get it? just me? ok...) from there.

By the end of high school I was another 2 sizes bigger. I ate to make myself feel better, to bring my out of my slumps. I also ate because I was bored. I didn't really participate in extracurriculars that provided some sort of physical activity. Band Nerd and a member of the Art club, sexy right? Anywho, my health suffered. Emotionally and physically.

I attended one year of college right out of high school, and I totally gained those freshman fifteen. Because we had the best dining hall ever. People would come on Sundays after church and pay to eat our school food. Did I mention the DIY waffle bar and the soft serve ice cream machine? Anyway, after that year, my weight has yo-yoed over the past decade. Partly because I totally suck at sticking to a fitness routine. What? I just really don't like to sweat. It's stinky and sticky. Bleh.

If you follow me on Instagram, then you'll know that I had a doctors appointment on Monday. While she didn't tell me anything I didn't already know, she didn't hold back. I needed that honesty from her, someone other than my husband (who thinks I'm amazing no matter what, cue the awes) and my mom (cause who wants to hear that from their mom?). She put some things in perspective for me regarding our plans for the future, and to have a chance at those plans, some big changes need to be made.

The Biggest Change? I was put on the Paleo diet. Ok. I've read really great things about this plan and what it can do for your body. But, you guys, I really like cheese. And bread. And chocolate. And cereal with milk. I know there are variations of the Paleo diet that allow for some of that stuff, but the one she wants me to follow for at least these first thirty days doesn't. THE STRUGGLE IS REAL.

When we got home from the doctors, we looked up the site she gave us (cause she made a point to tell Hubs that he had to do it with me for support). Then we made a grocery list of things we can have. Next, we cleaned out the pantry, snack cabinet, and the fridge of all the items on the "don't" list. There was so much! We packed all of that food up and took it over to his parents house for them to have with instructions to donate what they don't want to the local food pantry. We did keep a few things from the "don't" list for the upcoming holidays though (because you can't have Thanksgiving without corn casserole or mashed potatoes, duh!).

It felt good. Like a juice cleanse for your kitchen. Until it didn't. After dinner that night, per the usual, I craved something sweet. Hubs had already moved the candy jar to his side of the couch to hold it hostage. I fought it. It was so hard. I just keep reminding myself that it will be worth it.

Have you tried the Paleo diet? Have any good recipes for sweets that are Paleo friendly?

Halloween

This was always one of my favorite holidays when I was little. I mean, what kid doesn't want free candy?? (hint: the answer is none). My mom would always decorate our house with spiderwebs, pumpkins, and other random "scary" things. She even bought a CD of spooky sounds and would put the stereo speaker in the window so kids coming to the door could hear it. #BestMomEver

When I was about 6 years old, we moved to our brand new house in a lovely community. Our neighborhood was awesome, and back then, it was safer for kids to trick-or-treat without their parents tagging along. My mom still went through our candy when we dragged our pillowcases stuffed with treats back home, but she didn't really worry about us walking around our neighborhood by ourselves. Those were the days. 

I was supposed to be a cat (you can't see the ears or furry tail in this picture, but they were there!) and my bother... well, he was a clown. C didn't want to be a clown, can't you tell?

Ok. Here's the story. Mom asked us early on what we wanted to be for Halloween. I had successfully been a cat for the past three years and decided, why quit a good thing? C said he wanted to be a pirate. We had all the stuff for my cat costume and mom bought C his pirate costume. Come Halloween afternoon, C decided he no longer wanted to be a pirate. He wanted to be a superhero. It was kinda late to find him a superhero costume, and he refused to wear the pirate stuff my mom had already bought. He had two options: wear the clown costume from last year or stay home and hand out candy with Mom. There was no way he was giving up the handfuls of tooth decaying sweets our neighbors gave out, and begrudgingly donned the clown suit. Despite Mom's best efforts to make him a happy clown, his heartbreaking disappointment at not being a superhero still shines through. He was happily a pirate for the next year, and I finally exchanged the cat ears for a witch hat.

A couple years ago Mom's husband made us calendars for Christmas. Each one was personalized with photos of our family and funny captions. This photo was in mine for the month of October. I showed this page to C and we just laughed at the documentation of one of the few times he was overly dramatic as a child (I was a very dramatic preteen).

What was your go-to costume as a kid?

Lines in the Sand

Boundaries. We all have them. Personal space, the edge of the yard, hemlines, politics, faith. These lines we've drawn ourselves are generally viewed as good and healthy. Boundaries can make your relationships stronger and keep out the crazies who threaten to destroy what you've built. They can also keep us from wandering too far, looking like a hooker, and just making ourselves look ignorant.

When I first began blogging in this space, I never gave much thought to setting boundaries on what I would share and what would remain private. I had no idea how much this blog would grow, and through it, how many amazing people I would eventually call friends. So as I watched my numbers climb higher and higher with each passing month, I got more and more worried. "Am I sharing too much? Not enough? Do I want people to know this yet? Does Hubs think it's ok to share this? What if my mom (who is not a regular reader) reads this?"

I'm positive I'm not the only person who struggles with boundaries when it comes to blogging. Especially when writing is your go-to way of thinking things through, expressing yourself, or de-stressing. It's a classic form of free therapy. (Well, after you buy a cute journal and a superb writing pen... or a MacBook Pro that you've named Magnus.) Journaling is a wonderful outlet for me, but I still find myself writing for an audience, not just for me, because journals (or teenage diaries) can be found, read, and misinterpreted. And there are also times I am just not satisfied with writing my heart out and not hitting "publish" because of a line I've drawn to protect myself and my relationships. To me, it can be the same as holding it all in or not having written it at all. So therapy has gotten a little more expensive lately.

I have said all of that to say: I'm still here, but the path that I am currently walking is not one that I am ready to share quite this publicly yet.

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Currently

Loving: Hubs. He does so much for me and for our life together. He does everything he can to make sure that I am happy and healthy (mentally, physically, and emotionally). These past few weeks have really put us both individually, and has put our marriage to the test, and he's been so amazing. I seriously got lucky in the husband department. Be jealous.

Reading: Grey. I finally picked it up the other day at Target and I'm only a few chapters in, but I'm loving it so far. Don't judge.

Feeling: So very grateful for all of the support I have received from everyone over the past few weeks. The depth of understanding and all the texts and emails sharing similar feelings and stories have made me feel like I am not alone. I can't tell you how much all of that has meant to me and helped me through this bit of rough patch I've been going through. So thank you. Each and every one of you who have reached out to me, commented on my one lonely post a week, who have prayed for me. Thank you.

Watching: So You Think You Can Dance has finally gotten through the auditions and the real competition is beginning. I usually don't watch for real until they choose the top 20 because it's mostly fluff and very short clips of the actual dancing. Who else is watching?

Writing: Several posts for next week. Are you excited to see me back in the space more regularly?

Listening: Classical and instrumental background music while I prepare my final project for my class. It's about my blog, so I'm kinda excited about it.

Wanting: The rain to leave Missouri and head west to California. They need it WAY more than we do right now. Seriously, this has been the wettest spring and summer I have ever experienced.

Needing: To register for classes for the next session. I've got several options to choose from and they are day time classes, which will be a nice change from the past two sessions of evening classes. Hopefully Kaity and I will be able to take at least one class together.

Hoping: I'm having a minor outpatient surgery on Monday, and I'm hoping everything goes well. There is no need to worry! I promise! Nothing is wrong with me! It is personal, so please don't ask questions.

Wishing: That Hubs' schedule goes back to normal after this week. This going back and forth from 3rd to 1st shift all the time really sucks and it's taking a toll on him.

Trying: To work on my fitness. I had been so busy that it sorta took a backseat to everything else, but now it needs to be dealt with. Hubs has been great about it, we even joined a gym in our town. We aren't great at keeping going, but I'm thinking that once his schedule goes back to normal we will get into a routine.

Hating: That comfort food has calories. Like, why?

Missing: My mom. It would have really been nice to have her here through the craptastic stuff going on. But at least I can call her any time.

Praying: For good news after Monday's events.

Thinking: About so many things that I don't even want to begin to list them out for you.

Considering: Changing my hair color. But I really doubt that I will change it.


What would be on your currently list?

Ducks in a Row

We've all heard, or even said, "I'm trying to get all my ducks in a row." It's a nice way of saying "I don't have my shit together yet, and I'm not sure how to get it together, but I know I'm supposed to." 

My thirteen year old self just knew that I was going to be married to the perfect man, living in the perfect house, with the perfect yard, in the perfect neighborhood, not too far from my parents, financially comfortable, and pregnant by age twenty three (HAHA). In reality I was jilted, broke, and moving back in with my parents. I didn't fulfill that dream I had for myself, and I thought of myself as a huge failure. I fell into a huge rut of self depreciation that led to the deep and dark hole of depression, despite my outward appearance. I felt like it was all my fault my proverbial ducks weren't in their tidy little row. 

Over the next five years, three boyfriends, three jobs, and six moves I finally found my center. I got to know myself better and what I really wanted for my life, rather than what society expected of me. It was only then that I was able to accept the love that I really deserved, and even then I almost slipped right back into my old habits. Philip defied all my negative expectations, proving every day that he truly cared for me even though my ducks were still wandering around all willy nilly. 

I foolishly thought that once we were married I would feel more settled, like my ducks would slowly fall into line. Combining our ducks was a bit of a challenge at first, but I think we've got them corralled. I'm going to be 29 this summer. Shouldn't my ducks mind me better and line up when I tell them to? And why do they have to be ducks? What about blue birds, chickadees, or cardinals? In fact, why does it have to be a bird at all? Let's not discriminate! Can we have llamas, elephants, or bunnies instead? 

I digress. When will I feel like I have my shit together? Does anyone even feel that way ever? Of course I went to Llama with these questions, and she posed a question to me: "why don't you feel like you do?" I really had to think a moment before responding. I had to be honest with myself and dig down deep before I had my answer: "I think it's so many failures and not finding my passion until later in life. I feel like I'm so behind and I'm scrambling to catch up with my biological clock." (And by biological clock I mean society's view of how our lives should progress and my teenage dreams.) And she responded "Yeah, that makes sense. I think you are doing great though. And at least you FOUND your passion. That's more than a lot of people much older can say." Wise words of truth, Llama. Wise words. 

I felt even more at ease with where I am after talking to my mom. She said she didn't feel truly at peace with her life until she retired. What's funny about that is that I totally think that my mom has had her shit together for, like, my whole life. She always seemed like she did anyways, but that only proves that the face we put on for the world isn't always in line with how we really feel. For the record, she said I wasn't a weirdo for having undisciplined ducks. 

And then Kendra weighed in: "I don't think anyone feels like everything is in line and even if they do, it's not for long. I think it's more of just accepting the life that is in front of you and enjoying every moment regardless." I have smart friends. Acceptance of the life I have is something I need to work harder on. Don't get me wrong! I love my life with Philip and our furkids. I have a rewarding job and a truly enjoy school. But I've had a hard time letting go of those childhood expectations of what my life would be like and forgiving myself for not meeting that timeline. I'm working on it, one day at a time. 

Do you feel like your ducks are in a row? If so, at what point did this feeling occur?

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7 Things I Do That My Husband Thinks Are Weird

Ah Husbands (or boyfriends, fiancees, dads... really just men in general). The heroes of our worlds. They can do so many great things: bring home the bacon, carry ALL the grocery bags inside in one trip, mow the lawn, and do math in their heads at lightening speeds. But there are some things they really don't get, amiright? I don't know about you but my husband things some of the things I've done for nearly all my life are just down right weird, and I'm going to list them out for you today.

1. The Accent Nail
You know, the pretty pattern or glitter right finger nail. Hubs always turns his nose up when I do them and calls me a weirdo. He just doesn't understand why I can't do all my nails the same way all the time.

2. Why I Need Four Different Shades of Purple Nail Polish
Purple is purple right? WRONG! Hubs just doesn't get that darker purples are for fall and winter and lighter/brighter ones are for spring and summer.

3. Wearing a Hair Tie on Your Wrist ALL The Time
Seriously? I thought he was joking when he asked me about it one day. Nope, he doesn't get why I have to have one on me every second of the day. Men just do not understand the spontaneous need to pull your hair back in the middle of the day.

4. Eating Cereal Out of a Cup
Ok. This may just be me, but I have been doing this since I was in middle school. My mom had just bought new dishes and the bowls that came with the set were so tiny that I always had to get a second bowl of cereal in the morning. One day I just grabbed a big plastic cup and having been eating my cereal that way every since.

5. Starbucks
Nope, my hubs doesn't get why I love the coffee chain so much. Honestly, it's really a treat for me during school, because caffeine is so needed to stay focused in class. Plus, it's just really really good.

6. Use Body Wash Over Bar Soap
In his brain, bar soap is cheaper and it lasts loner. He has a point, but in my brain I don't get the exfoliation and moisture I need from a bar soap that I do from my body wash and loofa. I take pride on my skin and want to keep it looking young as long as I can.

7. Snapchat
I know he's not the only one in this boat. I didn't really get it at first either, but once I just buckled down and learned how it works I was hooked. Then I started adding bloggy friends and it got even better! If you want to give it another try, Melissa did a great tutorial!


What are some things the man/men in your life just don't get about you?

Let's Play Catch Up

Whew! It's been a while, and I'm sorry not sorry about it. Sometimes life just has to come first and I have come to terms with this, and no longer feel guilty about having to step away from the blog for a bit.

Anywho. A lot has been going on lately, so lets catch up with a Currently post.


Loving: My husband. In the past month he has shown me so much love. Starting with letting me keep my little man Robbie, then conceding to my iPhone upgrade, buying us the brand-new-king-sized-sent-from-heaven-matress-of-perfection (which is being delivered on Saturday!), and booked our cruise for December. Amazing isn't he?

Reading: Nothing. I need to catch up on my blog reading, and now that things are starting to seem like they are calming down and getting back into routine I just might be able to start.

Feeling: Exhausted, but refreshed at the same time. My body is so tired every day from work, but opening this sparkly new post to type up is making me feel so much better.

Watching: Game of Thrones!  Things are finally starting to get good.

Writing: Again, nothing. Besides this post, the only thing I've written is nurse's notes and they aren't very exciting. BUT I have several good ideas for posts that I'm going to start writing soon.

Listening: Worth It by Fifth Harmony. I just can't get enough of this song lately.

Wanting: For Bear to be done with the spring shedding. Right now there are tufts of fur all over my house. It looks like I haven't vacuumed in weeks. In reality, I vacuumed day before yesterday. The struggle is real. And all of that is AFTER brushing him outside and getting over half a trash bag of fur off him each time.

Needing: To reverse all of the ceiling fans in our house to the summer settings. Heat and stagnant air are not my thing.

Hoping: Things get sorted out at work without too many crazy changes.

Avoiding: Laundry, like always.

Wishing: It was December already! I can't wait for our cruise! We're leaving right after Christmas and going to Florida, Mexico, Jamaica, Bahamas, the Grand Cayman Islands, and back to Florida. Neither one of us has ever been on a cruise before and this will be our first real vacation together, as well as a super late honeymoon.

Trying: To increase my step count each day. This is so much harder than I realized it would be. #lazy

Hating: How much down time I don't have anymore. It really sucks, and even more so since we don't have internet at work anymore.

Missing: My Tribe.

Praying: For a smooth summer. It's not my favorite season.

Thinking: About so many things that I couldn't even fit it all into one post.


So that my life lately. What have you been up to?