Clinging to Hope

It's been a little over a year since we lost our son, Colby. Most of that year, and into the present, my grief has consumed me. But there are things that have kept me from sinking too low in my depression and I'm going to share them with you today in case they can help someone else.

+ In-person Support Group - This has truly been my saving grace. I have met some amazing ladies through my support group, and a few of them have become close friends. As a group we have a Facebook group chat, and when I'm having bad days I can reach out to my group in between meetings. 

+ Facebook Groups - These have been a good source of articles and blog posts from women who have experienced loss. Reading them has made me feel less alone in my thoughts and feelings. My favorite group is for mothers who have no living children, called Still Mothers. They have an entire community outside of Facebook as well that has many resources and provides additional support. 

Other Facebook groups for loss include: Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep  and Miscarriage, Stillbirth, & Infant Loss.
I also belong to groups that surround PCOS, Infertility, and Trying to Conceive (TTC) with those challenges. If you are interested in joining any of those groups, please do not hesitate to reach out to me.

+ Instagram Accounts - There are some wonderful women who share their stories and uplift others through their Instagram accounts. I'm on Insta daily, it's my favorite social media platform, so it was only natural for me to find some Instagram accounts that cater to loss, grief, and faith. I'll list a few of my favorites, so you can follow them as well: @griefunfolding, @trustinginduetime, and @i.am.fruitful.

+ Faith - I don't know where I'd be without my faith. God has humbled me and taught me so much through this trying time. I have clung to the verse pictured above, and have it hanging in our bedroom above the crib as a symbol of the hope we have that God will provide and bless us with a living child.

+ Friends - My friends have truly been a huge blessing. You really do find out who your true friends are when a tragedy such as ours hits your life. Luckily I have three friends who have been a big part of my support system, and I thank God for them every day.

+ Husband - Last, but certainly not least is my husband. He is my rock. I couldn't have gotten through the last year without him. He has been so strong and such a comfort. He has put up with all my crazy outbursts, all my tears, and all my days spent in bed. God has truly blessed me with an amazing man, it's all I can do to strive to deserve him.

Without these six things I would not be as okay as I am today, and I am truly grateful for each and every one of them.

If you are going through a grieving process and need someone to talk to, please do no hesitate to reach out to me. I am here for you. 

Thoughts During This Christmas Season

I sat and stared at a blank page for hours trying to think of how to put my thoughts to into words. These thoughts are dark and not usually something I want to talk about outside of my support group, and sometimes I don't even talk about them then.

My moods have been so up and down this holiday season. Christmas is my favorite time of year, but now it's sort of been tainted. This time last year I was blissfully happy and pregnant with our son, Colby. We announced the pregnancy on Christmas day even. We had no idea what was in store for us, how could we know?

This year we should have had our son with us. This year we should be buying baby toys and clothes and wrapping them in sweet kid friendly wrapping paper. This year we should be getting ourselves ready for the first long road trip with our son to see my family in Georgia. This year we should be introducing our son to some of my family for the very first time. This year we will not be doing any of those things.

Instead we will be buying gifts for other people's children and traveling to Georgia on our own to show everyone our Colby Bear. This year I am also not pregnant again.

There are many sides to my grief and depression. It's mourning the loss of the life that could have been. It's the loss of possibilities and experiencing Christmas through his little eyes. It's battling infertility and PCOS. It's the loss of two grandparents. It's crying at the drop of a hat to certain songs or to random commercials. It's cringing in pain when I hear a baby cry in public. It's answering the question of "how many kids do you have?" with "one son in heaven." It's anxiety about being asked that question or other related questions.

This whole year is different than what I imagined it would be last year. So much has happened in the past 11 months... and then there is the one thing that has not happened. And while my good days are outnumbering the bad days, the bad days are still really bad and feel like they will go on forever. I hate to be a Debbie Downer, but these feelings are a very real part of my life, and I strive to be honest and open about my life in this space.

I do want to take the time to thank everyone for your amazing support and prayers. It means so much to us to know that there are people out there that we've never even met in person that care so much about us and our journey. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Colby Bear

I want to introduce you to our sweet little Colby Bear. He was made for us by a wonderful organization called MollyBears. They make custom teddy bears that represent angel babies. The give families the comfort of a cuddle. Like each baby, each bear is different. Some have symbols like butterflies or animals or initials, and some have accessories like blankets or bows or tutus. Each bear can also be weighted to the weight of your baby.

Colby Bear is two ounces. He has an elephant on his chest and initials on his foot. We have two symbols for Colby, elephants and feathers. When we opened the box and saw that Colby Bear had a winged elephant on it I cried. The MollyBear maker had no idea about the feathers, we just requested an elephant. What a wonderful little hello from our sweet boy.

I can't tell you what this bear means to our little family. I am so grateful to have him, to have something to cuddle when I'm having a bad day. It will be nice to have something to represent Colby in family photos as well. Colby Bear has brought such comfort and joy to us, and I hope to the rest of our family as well.

10 Things Not to Do or Say to a Bereaved Parent

After we lost Colby things got interesting in our familial and friend relationships. Some people were very sweet and supportive, while others ignored our loss altogether. I was shocked at some of the things people said and did (or didn't say and do), especially from my family.

So I've decided to make a little guide on what not to say to a bereaved parent.


1. "It wasn't even a baby yet."
This one hurt the most. It was a baby to me as soon as that second pink line showed up on the pregnancy test. This statement is the most grieved in the online support group I am a member of.


2. "It's probably for the best."
How is me not having my child in my arms "for the best?" Don't assume that there was something deathly wrong with the baby, because that is not always the case. Colby was perfect. He was developing on schedule, and all the tests came back normal. So, no, it was not "for the best."


3. "Just get over it already."
Losing a child is not something you "just get over" after a few days. A lot of healing, both physically and mentally, needs to happen. And I don't think any parent gets over not having their child.


4. "Sometimes these things happen."
Yes. We know. We are living it right now. You don't have to tell us.


5. Rushing the parent to "get over it" faster.
Rushing a person through the grieving process is not good for anyone, ever. Each person has their own needs and their own way of coping, so let them. What you may not help them, and vice versa.


6. Ignoring the loss altogether.
It was the ones who said and did nothing that hurt the most for me. I get it, it's an uncomfortable situation for everyone involved and you're not sure what to say. Well, saying nothing at all is worse than saying something that might come out wrong. Because your attempt means that you care.


5. "Are you STILL sad about that?"
Here we go again with the rushing. Guilting a bereaved parent because they aren't "over it" yet is a horrible thing to do.


6. "At least you know you can get pregnant."
For me, this one was ok. I was diagnosed infertile over 2 years ago, and it was a good sign that I can get pregnant. However, many women are hurt by this statement, especially if they have experienced multiple losses. So it's better to just steer clear of this statement unless you have the full story.


9. Not say the baby/child's name.
Many parents decide to name their baby whether they know the sex or not. It's not weird. Referring to their baby as "the baby" or "your baby" or "it" or "them" or any other non-name word can be hurtful. Saying the child's name makes them more real and more important to others and not just the parent.


10. Not acknowledging the baby is real and important.
Because they are. Very much.


If you have said or done any of these things, it's ok. Just keep these things in mind for the future. If the loss was recent, though, perhaps apologizing to the parent could be helpful. That is up to you though. This list might also help to explain why there may be an awkwardness between you and the parent(s) as well.

All of this poses the question of, "what should I say and do instead?" Well here's the bonus, I'm going to get you started on that too.


What you should say/do instead:

1. "I'm so sorry. We are thinking of you/praying for you."

2. "I'm really am here if you want to talk."

3. "It's ok to cry, take all the time you need."

4. Say the baby/child's name when referring to them (unless asked not to).

5. Validate their feelings and emotions.

6. If you are family, recognize the baby/child as your grandchild, niece/nephew, cousin, great-grandchild.

7. If there is a memorial service or a funeral, go if you can go. If you can't go, send flowers, a card, something to acknowledge the event.

8. Don't make the parent feel bad or guilty for honoring their baby/child in their own way, no matter how weird it may seem to you.

9. Reach out and check on the parent.

10. Wish them "Happy Mother's/Father's Day," even if they do not have any other children.


Has anyone said anything insensitive to you in the past?

Grief and Mental Illness: End the Stigma

I almost started this post with an apology for being absent from this space for so long. Then I realized that I don't owe anyone an apology for taking time for myself and my own mental health while we grieve Colby. We are still grieving, and I have good days and bad days, but we must keep moving forward if we are to honor his little life and give him a little brother or sister.

I have lived with a mental illness for most of my life. Although I went undiagnosed and untreated for at least a decade, looking back, my depression began in my early teens. Nothing I did made it better, at least not in the long term. It wasn't until my early twenties that things escalated to the point it was affecting my relationships with the people in my life, but I didn't want to be "that crazy girl" who has to take medication to be "normal." But, in 2011 on a rainy afternoon I sat in my car crying to my mom on the phone in the Target parking lot, that I finally realized that I cannot do this on my own. I made an appointment with my family doctor, and was diagnosed with major depression and given a prescription for an antidepressant. Those were turbulent times. I wasn't always able to get my medication, and I spent many nights wishing to go to sleep and not wake up.

When I moved to Missouri in 2013, things got better (thanks to my wonderful husband). After we got married I was able to get back on my medication, and I started therapy. I wanted to be better, to be well. After a two medication changes with no improvement, I decided to have a formal psychological assessment done. December of 2016 I discovered what I've been fighting for the past 20 years. PTSD, depression, anxiety, and Bipolar II. So many emotions ranging from shock to relief flooded my mind and body. I immediately began to research these diagnoses and the medication that go along with them.

We found out we were pregnant in November, and at 14 weeks and 2 days gestation we lost our son, Colby, on January 20, 2017. It's been 19 weeks and 3 days (as of Monday) since that awful night and they have been the hardest days of my life. The most important thing I've learned from this is that the grieving process is so different for each person. There is NO set time that you have to "get over it" and "move on." Losing a child is extremely hard no matter what age, and that takes time to heal enough to start being ok again. I've learned to brush off the people who want me to get better at a faster pace, the ones who don't know that their words hurt, and the ones who don't offer any words at all. You really do find out who cares most when you experience a loss like this.

Grief on top of my existing depression and Bipolar II has made things difficult for not only me, but for those around me, most of all my husband. I'm learning to distinguish between grief emotions and reactions, and the "normal" ups and downs I experience with my Bipolar. And hubs is learning how to support and reassure me as we try to heal.I am now on new medications that are geared towards stabilizing my moods and am still in therapy. I also found a support group for miscarriage, pregnancy loss, and infant loss, and that has helped immensely.

I'm not telling you this to gain pity or sympathy, I don't want any of that, thanks. I am telling you this because this is me; this is my "normal." I am not ashamed of my mental illnesses, nor am I embarrassed that I need to take medication to balance the chemicals in my brain. I know my limits: what I can handle in a healthy way and what I cannot. Mental illness does not make me weak or less than, and I don't want to be treated as such. We need to break the negative stigma. It keeps many people from seeking the help they need, and encourages the rampant ignorance of psychological disorders in the general public.

I hope that by being open about my grief and mental illnesses I can shed some light on this side of the story. That I can help even just one person by letting them know they are not alone, and it's ok to get help. If you just need someone to listen, I'll be that person. If not me, reach out to a friend or family member. There are also support groups; find one in your area or even online.

Colby Christian Wood

Some of you may already know if we are friends on Facebook or you follow me on Instagram. But, on January 20, 2017 at 2:30am we lost our son, Colby Christian, at just over 14 weeks gestation.

I am not pregnant anymore.

I had a miscarriage.

We lost our son.

Those three statements have been the hardest thing to type, much less say out loud. I cannot express to you the level of emptiness and sadness I feel. I'm not sure I could even try to put it to words. If you've experienced a loss like this, you know what I mean. What's worse is we may never know why. The only thing that keeps me going is that it's not my fault and that Jesus will keep him safe until I can once again hold my precious boy.

I have had a wonderful support system around me, especially that first week afterwards. I'm not sure I'd be as "ok" as I am today if it weren't for my mom driving all the way up here from Georgia for that week. I don't think I could get through this at all without my amazing husband. And my closest friends have done their best to help me stay distracted when I need to be and be a shoulder to cry on when I need it.

I do want to thank everyone for your sweet words and prayers. It means a lot to me and Hubs. Especially those that call our son by his name. It makes him real and important to not just us. Even though you may not know what to say, there's not much anyone can say to make it better. But the simple "I'm so sorry" or "we are thinking about you" messages are perfectly enough for us right now.

A special thanks to all of those that lit a candle for Colby the day we brought him home from the funeral home that did his cremation. It was so amazing to see his light touch more than just our hearts.

Hope. That is what we have for the future. We have hope that we will be able to bring another light into this world that won't be extinguished so soon.

Hope.

How Does Infertility Affect Marriage? A Research Project

Infertility takes a huge toll on a person. I've talked about my own infertility and what I've had to go through to get here. I've asked Hubs to write a little something about my infertility from the perspective of a husband:

Hello all, you all know me as the husband of Knock on Wood. Not too long ago my wife shared our story about the battle with infertility. I'm going to add my perspective on our troubles, and the toll it took on us and our marriage. First of all it was rough seeing all the negative tests. The depressed look on my wife's face cycle after cycle, and there was nothing I could say or do that would help. It made me feel helpless and useless. Our love life became monotonous because sometimes it was scheduled, and to be honest, there were times I didn't enjoy it at all. It was a very stressful time for us and I tried to just go with the flow. She just needed to feel sad, or be mad sometimes, so I let her. I listened and just tried to be there as much as she wanted me to.

Now that my wife is pregnant (YAY!!!!!!) Our relationship has been better, she's been more upbeat, and positive (even thought she's sick right now as I'm writing this). I have been learning how to feed a baby and change diapers with my new nephew around (I've never been around babies). I want to end on this note: despite this hard chapter we've gone through, I love my wife with all my heart, and I think we're going to be great parents.

And all of this leads to the question: How does infertility affect marriage/relationships?

Well, I'm taking a research class this session and I've decided to conduct my own little study. I know some of you, dear readers, have fought or are currently fighting your own war on infertility, so I am asking you to help me out. I've created a survey that is completely anonymous that will hopefully give me a better sense of a possible answer to this question. If you would complete the survey for me, I would greatly appreciate it. If you haven't experienced infertility, but know someone who has, feel free to pass it along those you know who would be interested in participating.

Link to Survey

Have you ever participated in an study like this before? 

Pregnancy After Infertility

Now that the secret is out, I'll probably be around a little more. Well I hope so anyways. I'm telling you what, it's hard not to talk about or reference a pregnancy that is happening to you. Especially one that has be much anticipated by not only my husband and I, but all of our friends and family as well. A lot of people have been following our baby journey, and I hope no one is offended that we didn't spill the beans after those two pink lines popped up (we did tell immediate family and very few close friends).

Why not shout it from the rooftops and toss positive pregnancy tests on social media? Fear. And it is very real. Two of my close friends have recently experienced miscarriages. All I could think about after the initial shock wore off was that I would wake up tomorrow and it would be just a dream, that it wasn't real. I took more tests every few days and analyzed every single sensation or symptom. We had a little scare that it might be ectopic, so an emergency ultrasound was ordered at about 5 weeks. Thank God JellyBean was nestled safe in my uterus, and the pains I was feeling were probably the small cysts on my ovaries bursting (thanks PCOS).

After that reassurance, the fear was still there. Symptoms would come and go, and I was googling statistics as each week. I spotted one day and was scared to death. I was counting the days to our first official appointment at the OB, those three weeks seemed to have lasted years to me. I was so excited and nervous and scared. I knew we should be able to see the heartbeat, but knew there was a possibility that we wouldn't be able to hear it yet.

You can only imagine how in awe I was when she found it. There it was, fluttering away on the screen and then she turned the sound on. I couldn't even take my eyes off the screen to look at Hubs to see his reaction. My baby, there on the screen, extremely real. We didn't even remember to take a video of it!

I felt better after that appointment, until we got home. Then the anxiety and fear came crashing back in. "I'm still not past the first trimester, yet. Anything can happen." I tried to stay positive. And I would get irrationally angry at anyone who said anything like "Well I hope nothing happens" or "Hope it's a sticky bean" or "you should probably wait a while to tell people/buy things, just in case."

I reached the 12 week milestone on New Year's Day. And our next appointment is next week. Another anxious weeks of waiting.

I haven't decided how much of this pregnancy I'm going to share publicly. But I do know that you'll probably never see a "bumpdate" in this space or on social media. I've also decided not to share the names we've picked out either. As far as sharing gender and other details... I just don't know yet. Some things should be kept as a surprise right?

When did you share? How much did you share?

Wonders of His Love

This has been the hardest secret to keep, but the scariest one to tell too soon. We waited and tried and prayed for so long to finally get here, and now we are ready to share our news with you all.

That's right! Our little miracle will be joining us in July of 2017. We couldn't have asked for a better Christmas gift. I want to send a huge Thank You to everyone who prayed for us and supported us through all of the obstacles we faced getting here. And my heart goes out to those still on their journey to parenthood. You'll be in my prayers, always. 

Here's the story of the day we found out.

Even though I was experiencing some of the classic pregnancy symptoms, I was still very hesitant to take a test. I've been down this road so many times before to only get negative tests. But that day (11-11-16), I spontaneously decided to test. I had pushed the stick far away from me and slightly hidden behind the shower curtain for the duration of the wait time. I peaked only once and saw only one line from far away, and I steeled myself for the negative result. After 3 mins I tentatively slid the test closer. One dark line, and wait! Another lighter line!! Is this real?!?!

So I pulled out the ClearBlue Digital test and dipped it in the cup. I watched the blinking symbol for what seemed like hours until the result popped up. PREGNANT! A few mins later the weeks estimator indicated 2-3 weeks from conception. I couldn't believe it and burst into tears just thanking God for this miracle. 

It was only 11 am and I knew Philip would be home for lunch soon, so I texted him to make sure, when he informed me he'd be done for the day at 11:45. I had a more put together way of telling him planned in my head, but I didn't have the time to get it arranged in time, plus I had my nephew that day. So I pulled out all the little things we had purchased for this miracle child over the past year or so, and laid them out on the kitchen table with the tests and very impatiently waited. 

Grayson woke from a nap to eat just before Philip walked in. He walked into the kitchen as we made small talk and didn't even glance at the table. So I sent him back and told him to look around again. Then he saw it, said awww and then looked closer. "Are these yours?" I nodded. "Really?" I said really and started crying. He walked over to me and I saw his eyes getting misty. He kissed me and just couldn't stop smiling.

Merry Christmas!

This is What MY Infertility Looks Like

It's taking a small handful of pills at least twice a day or more.

It's taking your temperature each morning and trying to figure out what each rise and fall means.

It's analyzing every single pinch and twinge you think you feel in your pelvic region.

It's peeing on test strips several times a day to determine a possible ovulation date.

It's trying to control your mood swings and emotions that are thrown out of sorts due to medication that is helping you ovulate because you can't on your own.

It's having to take that medication in the first place because you have PCOS.

It's blood tests once a month to make sure the medication is working correctly.

It's worrying about the chance of multiples with the medication you take that makes you ovulate, because you only want (and can truly handle) one child.

It's charting all these symptoms and tests and medications in three different fertility tracking apps and comparing them to each other.

It's timing sex around your fertile window.

It's trying make sex not seem like a chore for yourself or your husband.

It's blaming yourself for all the medical bills that are piling up and stressing out your husband.

It's stressing about the fact that those bills are only going to get bigger even when you do finally get pregnant.

It's knowing that if you do fall pregnant, you'll be considered 'high risk.'

It's having your heart broken over and over again with each negative pregnancy test.

It's explaining PCOS to every person you end up talking to about your infertility.

It's crying to your mom on the phone because your body can't do what it was built to do.

It's dealing with all of the symptoms of PCOS.

It's planning your schedule around what phase of your cycle you are in.

It's making baby blankets for family and friends when you'd rather be making them for yourself.

It's having to pass up really good deals and sales on baby stuff because you don't know if you'll ever get pregnant.

It's wondering if the bubble bath is too hot.

It's obsessing over everything that goes into yours and your husband's mouth.

It's having your nursery planned out in your head already, but you still have an empty room.

It's having an entire list of baby names picked out (and your mom hates almost all of them), and you wonder if you even need the list at all anymore.

It's joining several groups on Facebook to find support and to not feel alone in the process, only to debate leaving these groups when you see so many women posting their positive tests and yours are all negative.

It's feeling guilty for being upset that other women are finally getting their big fat positive test after years of trying, and you've only been trying for 14 months.

It's being happy for others who are pregnant, but sad for yourself because you're womb is still empty.

It's wondering if your husband is getting frustrated with your mood swings, but not saying anything.

It's having to crush the hopes of your mom and mother-in-law each unsuccessful cycle.

It's wondering if God is punishing you for some past transgression.

It's not all negative. There are some good things too. 

Having a prolonged "trying" stage has allowed me time for lots of research on everything involved with pregnancy, my health, and delivery.

It's given us more time to get some of our debt paid off.

It's given us more time to be able to be more comfortable financially when it comes time to trade in the Mustang for an SUV. 

It's brought my husband and I closer together as we work through all the emotions and "what ifs" that we're facing right now.

Going through all of this will make it all the more sweet when it finally does happen. Our child will know for damn sure that it is loved and very much wanted. I've tried to keep a log of sorts of everything we've done so far so that I can share it with our child someday. 

Infertility is different for each woman, each man, each couple. This is mine. This is ours.

June Favorites

Last month I started this new thing and it did pretty well. Plus it makes me hold myself accountable for saving things I really like to share with you all. I enjoy spreading the love and hopefully introducing new people and things into your life. 

Things I Accomplished

+ We made some progress in the bathroom! Still not close to done, but it's moving along.

+ I've completed custom three designs this month! Plus another pre-made template and an update to my own blog. The creative juices are flowing, guys.

+ All signs are pointing to success for our first medicated cycle. Fingers crossed the blood test I'm going in for tomorrow comes back to confirm that.

+ I started working on some Christmas presents for my parents. I know it's a while away, but these gifts take a lot of time to make.

+ I kept a surprise for Hubs a real surprise! Usually I cave and tell him because I'm just so excited, but this time I kept my mouth shut. And you know what? He loved it! I'll be posting about it next week, so stay tuned for that.

Blog Posts - The Lovely Side of the Blogosphere

+ The End of a Decade - To & Fro
I love this birthday post from Mar. Perhaps it's because I'm also turning thirty this year, but this lovely recap of the past ten years makes me want to reflect on my own life through my twenties.

+ How Using The Space In Your Home Can Make You Happy- How to Make a Life
There are several spaces in our house that I wish we used more. This post from Sheryl makes me want to make a change and use them more often.

+ Trying to Do Good - Love the Here and Now
In the light of all the tragedy that has occurred in the recents weeks, spreading some goodness around not only to the people in our lives, but to strangers that we come in contact during out daily lives.

+ For the Stay at Home Wife - Becca Dorr
Because I am one, and sometimes it's hard to explain what I do all day.

+ Red, White, and Blue Sangria - Eat, Drink, and be Mary
Perfect for wine lovers who are having a summer cookout!

+ 10 Classic Novels - A Hundred Tiny Wishes
Everyone should read at least half of these in their lifetime, I know there's a few that I still need to read myself.

Blog Posts - Current Events, Controversy, & Important Topics

+ It's NOT Okay - Bourbon, Lipstick, and Stilettos
I've experienced some of the same things Lindsay has, and she's right. It's not okay.


+ Rape, Injustice, and Gender Inequality Didn't Start Monday - Taylor DuVall
I've written about gender inequality myself, so I can totally get behind the message in the post.

+ Infertility: The Downside to Being Public - Becca Dorr
There are pros and cons to sharing and to keeping things private.

+ The Infertile Mom - Southern Hope Blog
Finding women who know what I'm going through doesn't make it easier, but it makes it bearable.

+ On How Gun Control is only HALF the Problem - Christine Everyday
Because it is. 

Blog Related Things

+ Thoughts on the "Why I Won't Read Your Post" Posts - Love the Here and Now
"Oh wait….I know why I hit publish on them….those posts are a snapshot in time. At that point in time, I was doing the best I could with what knowledge I had. I was expressing myself with the words and design that I loved back then." - Anne said it best.

+ DIY Home Photography Studio - Oak and Oats

I've been debating doing this in a corner of my house somewhere, and this post has come good ideas on how to achieve it.

+ 10 Must Read Posts on Blogging - A Hundred Tiny Wishes

Some great reads all in one spot!

+ Newsletters that Provide Free Styled Stock Photos - Love the Here and Now
Um. YES PLEASE!! I'm always looking for new places to get images for the blog when I don't have the time to take my own.

Things Found on Facebook

+ I've been open about my struggle with depression here in this space. It's a topic that I take very seriously and when I came across this article on I found myself nodding and saying "that's me" to myself. The article titled "We Cannot Overlook 'High Functioning' Depression" says it all. Just because some people's depression doesn't match society's view of what depression is supposed to look like, doesn't mean it's not any less real and debilitating.

+ This video tutorial of FOUR different styles of the messy bun. ALL. THE. YES.

+ A new hashtag was trending on twitter this month, #NoWomanEver. It's bringing some much needed attention to the way women are treated in public by men. Check out a few of the good ones in this article.

+ I'm not Catholic, but I think this is a big step in the world of Christianity. In a recent interview, Pope Francis has said that the Church needs to apologize and seek forgiveness from the LGBTA community as well as from the poor, women, and children. BIG STEP. And I applaud him for it. #LoveWins

+ I think we all need to work on our self-love. Being too critical of yourself can actually be self-sabotage, and that's no good. This article gives you four tools to increase your self-compassion and regulate your emotions about yourself.

In Case You Missed It

Does Race Really Exist?
Design Reveal - To & Fro
Currently
A Blessing in Disguise
Chocolate Covered Fruit and Nut Clusters
Blogger Men Tell All

May Favorites
April Favorites
March Favorites

A Blessing in Disguise

I never thought I would say this, but right this moment, my body's uncooperative attitude about baby making is a bit of a blessing in disguise. You read that right. A blessing in disguise. 

No, we're not giving up. We still want a baby of our own very much. However, summer is usually a slower period at the company where Hubs works, and normally it's not too bad for him, so he could still get in the hours he needed. This summer it's bad. For everyone. We won't be standing in line at the Food Pantry, but there won't be any excess for eating out, movies, or various other things. Just the essentials and stuff to complete the bathroom reno.  

God knew hard times were headed our way, so he pushed the pause button on our baby journey. While I was certainly not happy about it at the time, I understand now. He did lead us to our wonderful doctor a couple of months ago, and after a lot of thought and prayer, we have decided to begin medicated cycles to help my body remember what it was built for. Luckily the medications are super affordable for us, even during this slow period. So, here's hoping He pushes play, and we finally get our two pink lines.

If I had fallen pregnant earlier in the year, I'm almost certain we wouldn't be as comfortable as we are going into the summer season. After all, a lot goes into housing a tiny human in your body for 40 weeks and then getting a house ready for baby to join the outside world. We are prepared for doing all of that, when the time comes though. 

And it will come, in His time.

Have you ever experienced something like this?

My Battle with Infertility Part 2

Today I am picking up where we left off last Friday with our infertility journey. You can read part 1 HERE. 

We took December off with the cycle tracking, and when we got back from our Vacation, we tried to focus on getting healthier with a plan that worked better for us. I did loads of research on fertility supplements, even ordered some as a last ditch effort before going back to the doctor that I wasn't sure even wanted to help us. Then this past March I finally decided to seek a second opinion, and found a new doctor. We couldn't get in to see him until mid April, but when we finally did I knew I had made the right decision. While our new doctor agreed with me that I most likely do have PCOS, he didn't just brush me off and tell me to lose weight. He explained things to us, he gave us suggestions, he wanted to run more tests, and we started making a plan.

The interesting thing is that I (and here's a TMI warning) had some actual real spotting for the first time in 5 months during the first week of April. I was excited! Maybe the supplements I am taking have finally started to work! Hubs and I went to CVS and purchased the ridiculously expensive digital ovulation predictor kit (OPK) and I started the testing process as soon as this "period" ended. The second week of April we had our aforementioned appointment with the new doctor. On Monday, March 18, I got my first ever indication that I could possibly ovulate this cycle: a flashy smiley face on a pee stick (the flashy smiley face indicates the "high fertility" point in your cycle).

At my ultrasound appointment that Wednesday, it was confirmed for reals the diagnosis of PCOS by the presence of multiple, but tiny, cysts on my ovaries. But, when I told my awesome new doctor about the three consecutive days of the flashy smiley face, he said that I had reason to hope. He still gave me a prescription for progesterone to (hopefully) induce a healthy period if things don't pan out for us this cycle. We were leaving for North Carolina that evening, and I prayed while I was packing that day that we would get the solid smiley face indicating "peak fertility" and imminent ovulation.

We drove all night after I got out of class that Wednesday and at 4 am at a Shell Station somewhere in Tennessee I peed on a stick in a public bathroom. I tried not to look conspicuous when I walked back through the store to the car with the OPK in my hand waiting for the results to appear. In the privacy of our car we waited. Three minutes later my prayers were answered. A solid smiley face. You can only imagine the squeals of joy and happiness that happened right there in the gas station parking lot.

Although we didn't catch the egg this cycle, we are moving in the right direction. I've started the progesterone pills and we're praying for another ovulatory cycle before our next appointment the first week of June. Please keep us in your prayers as we navigate the coming weeks and I've appreciated all of the support and kind words.

If there is someone reading this that is suffering through their own battle with infertility, please just know that you are not alone, and you are not any less of a woman because you're body isn't playing nice. That's been my biggest struggle, feeling less than, but it's not true. In fact, I think it makes us stronger. You'll always be in my prayers, whether I know you or not.

My Battle with Infertility Part 1

Confused by the title? I thought you might be since I sorta announced two years ago, only four months into my marriage that I was definitely not in any hurry to have a baby and that it may or may not even happen for us (I was leaning more towards a baby free life).This post is kinda long and chock full of information from the past 12ish months. I debated the entire time whether or not I was going to talk about any of this on the blog, but when Becca shared her story it helped me feel better, like I am not alone in this struggle as a woman. And I thought that maybe if I shared my story it will help someone, like her's helped me.

In March of 2015, I got some news from my regular family doctor that began to solidify my suspicions that I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). I have several confirmed symptoms (irregular to no periods, extra hair growth in places I'm not supposed to have it, hair loss on my head, trouble losing weight, skin tags), the only thing I hadn't done was get an ultrasound to see if I had cysts on my ovaries. I was a wreck, but it was then, when I potentially had the decision to have a child taken away from me by my body, that I started to reassess my position. A few short weeks later we visited my family for Easter and I got to meet my baby nephew for the first time. It was all over from there.

Not long after we got home from that trip I brought the topic of having a child up to Hubs again. I'm not going lie, he totally thought it was all because I got to snuggle a cute baby at Easter. And that was an interesting conversation. Anyway, we talked and I thought and we talked some more for about two months, and finally decided that we were going to do it. We were going to try for a baby. So, in July of 2105 I had my IUD (intrauterine device) removed (surgically, by the way cause it had turned itself sideways) and after the required two weeks of recovery we began our journey.

That first negative pregnancy test was hard for me. I mean haaarrdddd. I even wrote about it, here. It didn't really get any better from there and I struggled with whether or not I was going to share our decision and this journey here in this space. I started tracking all the things: my basal body temperature, my cervical fluid, and used ovulation prediction kits (OPK). After several months with absolutely zero results on anything, it appeared to me that there was a problem: I wasn't ovulating.

In November we went back to my OBGYN to get some advice. She also agreed with me (and my GP) that PCOS seems the likely culprit holding up the process. That's when she put me on the Paleo Diet. However, she didn't offer us any other options other than for me to lose weight or talk about what the next steps were, and her beside manner was just not very warm. I was disappointed, but I tried anyways.

Paleo didn't work for us, which was no surprise to me. But we had the Thanksgiving, Christmas, and our cruise in December to look forward to, and I thought "maybe that whole 'relax and it will happen' thing might work for us." It didn't, and I fell into a deep depression. Things have gotten better though, and I will tell you all about that in Part 2 next Monday.

Part 2