You Know You're An Adult When...

There are days when I feel like I shouldn't be allowed to adult, and there are days that I definitely feel like I got my shit together. On these good adulting days, these are the thoughts that take over my mind.

You know you're an adult when...

... you get excited about a new vacuum cleaner.

... you get upset that you're neighbors don't mow their lawn enough.

... you're the one being passed in the "slow lane."

... you can't get on board with the new lingo of the teens.

... watching an entire season on Netflix is a considerable accomplishment.

... staying out/up late does not seem appealing whatsoever.

... you can't begin your day without coffee or some sort of caffeine beverage.

... you need a day after your vacation to rest before going back to work.

... you ask for things you need for Christmas rather than things you want.

... you finally understand what you're parents meant by "you'll understand when you're older."

... you've told someone that they'll understand when they get older.

... wine is considered a food group.

... you begin to notice smiles lines and crows feet.

... you can no longer rely on your metabolism to stay a healthy weight.

... you don't have to call your mom every time you cook a real meal.

... you do your laundry before you run out of things to wear.

... you grocery shop before you run out of things to eat.

... you've thought to yourself "I'm too old for this shit" about anything.


How do you know you're an adult?

How to Cope with a Long Distance BFF

Many of you know my Llama, Melissa. She's been my best friend for eleven years now. We've been through some amazing times, and some really shitty times. But we were inseparable. Now that I'm living in Missouri, a mere 726.7 miles apart (yes i looked it up), it's not quite the same. However, I think we've become closer and have an even stronger friendship now than we ever dud. And that's really saying something.

Here are some things that we do to help us cope with being so far apart, that keep us close.


Fun Text Tones
You will text A LOT. So make it a tone that you absolutely love and/or associate with your bestie. This goes for ring tones too. You just need that fun and catchy tone to listen to a million times a day.

Give Autocorrect a Name
Ours is Judy. And she's a bitch. Our "smart" phones like to make us look stupid sometimes, or you're fingers just can't seem to hit the right keys. Whatever the reason, someone needs to be blamed, and that's Judy.

Surprise Snail Mail
Whether it'a a small gift or a little card, these keep things special. It's a physical reminder that you have a best friend who cares about you.

Gossip
Just because you live in totally different places now, doesn't mean the gossip stops. Now, turn off your judgey face and admit that you gossip sometimes too, even though we aren't supposed to. And there are time a little Facebook stalking is in order to familiarize yourself with the gossip victim.

Watch Movies Together
You know you both own a copy of Mama Mia, so pop that sucker in and sync it up. Sing all the songs and text your BFF the whole time. Just because you've seen it a million times doesn't mean you are tired of it. It can actually be therapeutic.

Workout Together
Schedule gym session or walks at times that you both can do it. Call each other or start a step challenge to keep each other accountable when you can't just bust in on the other and snatch the Cheetos away.

Keep up with your Inside Jokes
Seriously. In 2006 "drive by wooting" was totally a thing for us (don't ask). And even now I randomly will send her a snap of this.

Be Honest
No matter what. It's a general friendship rule already, but I feel it's even more important when its and long distance friendship. You can't physically step in anymore, so sometimes brutal honesty is what's needed.

Send Photos, often.
Snapchat is amazing for this purpose. It keeps you connected on a visual level (get your minds out of the gutter). We send photos of ourselves, my pets, her kids, my husband, her boyfriend, e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. But mostly coffee.

Drink Coffee Together
This is the same as the movies. Just get a coffee and the same time and chat on the phone. It's almost like your normal trips to Starbucks.


Basically do all the things you used to do, only most of it through text and phone calls. haha


Do you have a long distance BFF? How do you stay close?

2016 Year in Review

Raise your hand if you are as glad that 2016 is almost over. *raises hand*

Keep it raised if you really think 2017 will be any better with the new president (especially for women, LGBTQ, non-Christians, and people of color). *puts hand down*

Yep. That's all I'm going to say about that. (any rude or hateful comments will be deleted)

Moving on! Despite God deciding he needed better company in Heaven (Alan Rickman, Debbie Reynolds, Carrie Fisher, Prince, David Bowie, Nancy Regan, my Nanna, and my friend Justin Whitney to name just a few), 2016 had some good days too!

The biggest event for us was finding out and announcing our little JellyBean.
I got my second tattoo in honor of my Nanna.
In April we celebrated 2 years of marriage and we got to witness my cousin's nuptials.
I decided to share my Infertility Story (part 1, part 2, part 3) and that we were trying to make a baby.
We traded in our Mustang for an SUV to prepare for our (hopefully at that point) expanding family.
I turn 30 and Hubs turned 30.
I got to visit my mom and see my Llama over the summer.
Our most adorable nephew was born on 10-11-16, and he turned out to be our good luck charm and we conceived that cycle.
It also has to be noted that I discovered the amazingness that is LuLaRoe. If you don't know what that is, ask me and I'll point you in the right direction.
We (basically) have finished the bathroom remodel. It's not photo ready yet as there are some small details that need doing.
Some dear friends (blogging and otherwise) had their babies or finally got "the call" for their adopted child.
Other dear friends and family announced pregnancies as well (I'm getting another nephew in March!)
So many amazing things. So many prayers answered. So many goals reached.

Yes. In spite of all the craziness that has gone down this year, I'm calling it a good one.

How was your 2016?

Thankful Heart

Thanksgiving is already here and we have so much to be thankful (and grateful) for, despite all the hurdles we've had to jump and storms we've had to endure. In some ways I'm glad the year is over, so we can take a break and enjoy our families over the holidays, then make a fresh start in the New Year. This year has gone by faster than any other year of my life, it feels like that anyway, so lets pause a moment and take stock in the good.

:: If you follow me on Instagram, you'll know that we welcomed our nephew, Grayson, into the world in October. And we'll be welcoming our second nephew, Zane, in March. Our families are expanding, and all at once, it seems.

:: Little Grayson has opened up doors for a better relationship with my sister-in-law. Both for me, and for her and Hubs to repair some of the damage done in their childhoods and over the past several years.

:: We were able to purchase a more family sized vehicle. The first real thing we've bought for our future child.

:: After seven months, our bathroom is basically done! Just needs some small cosmetic things now.

:: School is going well, and I'm am very close to having enough credits to graduate!

:: My sweet cousin got married this year, and we were fortunate enough to be able to attend.

:: We got to visit the Biltmore estate on that trip to see my cousin get married. So I can cross that off my bucket list.

:: I got to visit my mom this summer, and while I was there, I got see my Llama for the first time in almost 2 years.

:: Hubs got transferred to day shift back in March and our schedule has been so much more "normal" since then.

:: So many of my blog friends got their prayers answered in the baby department (I'm looking at you Emily and Kathy!)

:: Hubs let me start putting up the Christmas decorations earlier than normal!


What are you thankful (and grateful) for this year?

Does Race Really Exist?

In my sociology class we watched a video called The House We Live In, and it claims that contrary to popular belief, race does not exist. While it may not exist in the biologically scientific sense of the term, it does exist in a sociocultural sense. Why? Because the people of our world have made it real, and therefore, race cannot be cast out as a fictional concept. The same argument could also be applied to the question of the existence of the Gods of religious faiths. If the Christian/Jewish God, the Islamic Allah, or the Hindu Devas/Devis are not biologically real, then do they really exist? Science cannot disprove the existence of a higher power, nor can it disprove the existence of the social and political concept of race, so we are at an impasse of sorts.

An interesting theory in quantum mechanics, describes this predicament perfectly: quantum indeterminacy or more commonly known as Schrödinger’s Cat (if you watch Big Bang Theory, you know all about this). Suppose a cat is inclosed in a box with a vial of radioactive poison. This vial is programed in such a way that it will randomly be broken, releasing the poison which will kill the cat. Because there is no way for us to know, without opening the box, when or if the poison will be released and thus killing the cat, the cat can be thought of as both dead and alive at the same time. If we apply this same concept to race, we can assume that race is both real and not real at the same time.

So where did race come from then? And why do we think the way we do about the different races? I used quantum mechanics to explain the existence of race, now I’m going use behavioral Psychology to explain why people still think the way they do about race. Take, for instance, Pavlov’s Dog. Show a dog a full food bowl (the unconditioned stimulus), and it will salivate in anticipation of eating the food (the unconditioned reaction). To reward the dog for salivating, we then give him the food. Next, we add the ding of a bell (the conditioned stimulus) along with the sight of the food, until the dog associates the sound with the food (conditioned response). Now the dog only has to hear the ding of the bell to salivate whether he gets any food or not. We are the dog in this scenario. The government and the media are the “scientists”, and they used the unconditioned stimulus of poverty, violence, un-intelligence, and ignorance paired with the race they wanted to repress to condition our responses and reactions to people of that race. 

This is where things get sticky. Starting from the beginning of our written history up to our modern day leaders, human governments have taken it upon themselves to define race. Changing their minds as new threats allegedly arose that would negatively impact the control and the power and the wealth they coveted. Meticulously ranking each racial group in order of their own chauvinistic importance and perceived intelligence of others to secure their foot holds on thrones, in the pulpit, atop the judicial bench, or in oval offices. Our very own governments have given us the tools that encourage and facilitate racism with laws and policies determining who gets what, how much they get, and when they get it. And because of these laws, we think that it is OK for this to happen.

Who are we to judge what makes some people better than others based on the color of their skin? Who are we to say what religions and cultures are considered “good” religions and cultures? Who are we to justify the actions of previous leaders because they punished people for being different using these supposed classifications of race? Things are the way they are today because someone somewhere at some point decided that’s they way things were going to be, and no one challenged him (I am going to say “him” because let’s face it, white men started this whole thing) because he had wealth and power. And ever since then we have been conditioned by our leaders and the media to see race in a negative light, and to use stereotypes to make judgements about people without knowing them personally.

I think the bigger question the video is addressing is not surrounding scientific aspect of the existence of race, but the moral and ethical aspects of race. Not “does race exist?”, but “should race exist?” In my opinion, yes. The collection of racial demographics is important information for tracking purposes especially when it is pertaining to medical reasons, population censuses, and sometimes for cultural or historical documentation. This leads me to believe that mere existence of race is not the real issue, because it is only when race is used as a discriminatory factor against some and/or in favor of others that it becomes a problem, in other words, racism is the issue. Racism, and not just the existence of race, is the problem we, as a people, need to tackle.

What do you think? Should race exist?

That Time I Talked About the Continuing Devaluation of Women in Our Society

Editors Note: Now that my classes this session are over (thank you sweet baby Jesus!), I feel more comfortable sharing with you some of the essays, or parts of them, that were assigned. I'm probably going to spread them out over the next couple weeks/months, because they are about some controversial topics. So, consider yourself warned!

Women have made great advances in society, especially since the mid twentieth century. We won the right to vote, we fought for our right to receive an education, then to enter the workforce without discrimination, and eventually started earning more comparable wages as compared to men. Many opportunities have opened up that allow women to be able to be political leaders, CEOs of major corporations, or even own their own business. However, women and the roles they play in society are still continually devalued by more than one social institution. 

When picturing the proverbial American Dream, one normally pictures a husband who works in business, a housewife who always has a clean home and a pie in the oven, and two kids (ideally one boy and one girl) who are straight A students. This family lives in a cookie cutter house in a polished suburban neighborhood, and perhaps there is a golden retriever in their evergreen yard that is bordered with a white picket fence. It's a scene straight out of an Andy Hardy film from the 1930s. Movies, television shows, music, commercials, books, they all emphasize and point us to this patriarchal version of society where women and children are to be seen and not heard. If a woman is confident and assertive she is more likely to be perceived as a “bitch” rather than a strong leader or an ambitious go-getter if she were a man. When they work full time, women are portrayed as bad or uncaring parents and/or spouses, while men are praised for putting in tons of overtime and spending weeks away on business trips. 

Now let's talk money. While the gender wage gap may be smaller for women in the same field as men, the wage gap between career fields is large. Professions generally held by majority women, such as teachers or nurses, provide significantly lower wages than those professions generally held by a majority of men. Why? Who decided that engineering was more important, and therefore more monetarily valuable, than a teacher? Why is an investment banker worth more than the nurses who save lives every day? Our own government still does not have any plans to increase the wages for those professions generally held by women, and many of these lower wage positions require much more education, training, time, and energy than some of the higher wage positions. 

In a video we watched about the myth of the gender wage gap (watch it here), the man said that women make less money because they make bad choices for a career. Excuse me? Bad choices? If everyone in the United States went after the same higher paying jobs, who would be left to teach, and nurse, and take care of your infants and toddlers while you are working at your high paying job? Makes no sense. 

The man in that video also said that women should be encouraged to go for jobs usually held by men, like engineering or sciences. That's all fine and dandy, but he failed to take it the other way; it was as if he implied that men are much too valuable and should not be encouraged to apply for those jobs usually held by women that would go unfilled, if women are supposed to apply for “men’s jobs”. 

Ok. Say a woman does land a snazzy, high paying job. Then she gets married and decides to have a baby. In the United States, employers are not eager to offer paid maternity leave, and the maternity leave most women do receive is mediocre at best. Mothers get up to 12 weeks or unpaid time off, however many women, a majority that are minorities, cannot afford to stay home the entire 12 weeks without pay and are forced to return to work sometimes before they have even healed properly (what?!). This situation is a bit skewed, no? Modern women are expected to apply for the aforementioned “male jobs”, raise kids, keep the house tidy, and be dutiful wives all at the same time, but are not equally compensated or supported by our patriarchal capitalist society for trying to live up to those high expectations.

Something's got to give at some point, amiright? 

What are your thoughts on this?

 

P.S. I WILL NOT tolerate any hateful, vulgar, or rude comments to myself or any other person commenting on this post. If you cannot put your big girl panties/big boy boxers and have an adult discussion about this topic please do not comment at all. If you do, your comment will be deleted. Thank you.

An Awesome April

Everything in life isn't always awesome, amiright? But, in order to stay positive, and not let the not so awesome stuff get you down, we have to focus on all the great things that are happening in our lives and in the world around us. Anne's Awesome linkup is perfect for doing just this, so today I'm sharing with you some of the Awesome things going on for me.

1. Bathroom Remodel

I could be all irritated about not having a working sink and falling through the floor while the demo is happening, but I have to keep the end goal in mind. Once we are done, it's going to be beautiful and relaxing. If you follow me on Instagram, I posted a little sneak peek of the design elements we've chosen yesterday.

2. Blog Designing

I'm getting my head back in the game here guys! I did a complete overhaul on the design website a few weeks ago, I had a consultation yesterday, and I'm finishing up a new design for Melissa at The Rambling Llama today, so go check that out tomorrow!

3. School

I'm not thrilled with my choice of classes this session, but I need the credits for my degree. I'm still learning though, and that's always a positive thing.

4. Alpha Sigma Lambda

I found out last fall that I made it into the Omega Zeta chapter of this national honors society, and later this month there will be a recognition ceremony. I'm kind of excited about it!

5. It's April

It's a special month for Hubs and I (well the end of March thru to April really). We met in person for the first time Easter weekend of 2013 (March 29-31), We got engaged on April 9, 2014 and Eloped April 21, 2014. I guess we just really like this time of year.

6.Natural Herbal Tea and Supplements

Boy am I grateful that God gave us the plants to make these things. I like knowing that I can first try an natural remedy for any minor ailment I may have before having to go to the doctor for other medicines.

7. My Brand New Target Red Card

Did you know they have a debit card option rather than a normal credit card? I didn't up until a couple of weeks ago when a nice cashier explained it to me rather than giving me a nasty look when I said I didn't have a Red Card. So then I explained it to Hubs, he liked the idea of saving 5% on my Target excursions, and I got the nifty new card.

8. Best Friends

I have two really amazing besties. You all know my lovely Llama. We've been friends for, golly, nearly.... hang on let me count.... 10 years now. OMG TEN YEARS. Wow. Ok, well, anyways. She moved into her new apartment this past weekend and, once again, I am not able to help because I live in another state now. It kills me that I haven't been able to be there for her in person during this really tough period of her life, so I send her a giant new apartment care package.
My other bestie, Kaity, lives here in Missouri. I met her about two summers ago at school. She's ALSO moving, but later this summer. So I've been helping her pick out all the cute things she wants to get for her new apartment. Shopping is fun, guys.

9. Waffles with Peanut Butter

YUM. This has become one of my go-to breakfasts lately. I get two multi-grain waffles and toast them up. Once they pop up out of the toaster, I spread some peanut butter on each one. Lots of fiber and protein.

10. Bullet Journaling

I started one in January and used it along with my Day Designer. By the end of that first month I was leaving my Day Designer at home and using my Bullet Journal for everything. *GASP* I know! I think what I like about bullet journals is that they are 100% customizable for YOUR needs. And you can change things up whenever you want, you're not stuck with things you tried and didn't like, and you can add new things as you go along. Seriously, best (organizational) decision I ever made.


What's Awesome in your life right now? Are you linking up with Anne today?

30 before 30 - An Update

Two years ago I made a list of thirty things I wanted to do before I turn thirty. Well, I will be joining the dirty thirty club in August, and I thought maybe we should see how I'm doing on that list.


1. Get to my ideal weight and fitness level (In Progress)

2. Have a beautiful wedding (Done 4-21-14 We Eloped)

3. Go on a cruise (Caribbean Cruise December 2015)

4. Apply for and get accepted into school again (Done! I started school 6-2-14)

5. Learn American Sign Language (Coming soon! I'm taking a class this summer)

6. Pass all my classes (In Progress - I am on track graduate in December 2017 at age 31)

7. Grow my hair out (Forever In Progress)

8. Convince Philip we need a doggy (We adopted Bear! 11-25-14)

9. Read a book before it's even rumored to be a movie (I sat for a while thinking about this and I just can't remember if I've done it or not.)

10. Learn a Regency Dance from the 18th and 19th centuries

11. Re-decorate our house (In Progress - Bathroom is up next)

12. Make a new friend (Done! I adore my MO BFF Kaity!)

13. Help Philip make a new friend (Hubs and my brother totally bonded last Easter)

14. Make better food choices (Still working on this! #thestruggleisreal)

15. Have a white Christmas (the weather is not cooperating)

16. Start a new tradition (We started doing a couple's advent for Christmas this past year)

17. Go zip lining (I keep trying to convince Hubs this will be fun, but he's still resisting)

18.  Meet another celebrity (Middle of Nowhere Missouri is not an ideal place to meet celebrities)

19. Take a cross country road trip

20. Live in a home for longer than a year (As of 9-21-15 I've lived in our house for TWO years!)

21. Become a regular at a local restaurant

22. Pay off "bad" debt (In Progress - We're almost there!)

23. Grow my blog to 1000 readers/followers (Still not there yet)

24. Take a trip to visit bloggy friends (I got to meet Cassie in November 2015)

25. Monetize my blog (I am accepting sponsors! Go check out my ad options here!)

26. Pet a giraffe (again, middle of Missouri is not the best place for this)

27. Fly first class

28. Learn photoshop better (Finally figured it out)

29. Stop complaining about household chores (yeeaaaaah...)

30. Actually complete this list


Completed: 11
In Progress: 7
Undone: 12

Some of these things are kind of laughable and/or out of my control (like weather), but I think I'm doing pretty good on things that are realistic and attainable on the short term. I guess I'll be rolling over some of these items for my forty before forty list.

Have you made a bucket list? How are you doing on it?

linking up with

Currently - March

I unintentionally took the entire month of February off, oops. But I think I needed it. We've had a lot of personal stuff going on and I was emotionally and mentally spent. Because I was gone for so long, I thought we could do a little catch-up in the form of a "currently" post. How 'bout that? Good? ok.

Loving: Our new kitchen. We didn't do a remodel, but it feels like it. An island was added in last week and we purchased a new (smaller) dining table and chairs over the weekend. It feels so much more put together now than it did before. I told my mom yesterday that I felt like I finally had a real grown-up kitchen. Haha!

Reading: How to be a Good Wife, by Emma Chapman. It seems to be a mystery type novel about a woman who's mother-in-law gave her a book on how to be a good wife to her son when they got married. And something about her maybe going a little crazy? I'm not that far into it, but it's already really interesting. I picked this book up at Target the other day.

Feeling: Good. I've started my new healthy routine and we're getting the ball rolling on some house projects. Things are good.

Watching: Call the Midwife. It's a British drama about 1950s-60s group of midwives who provide care for people in a low end part of London. This is the second time I'm watching the show, and it's still just as good as the first time. You can find the entire series on Netflix.

Writing: Blog Posts! I'm trying to get back into the swing of things, but writing a little bit every day. That's really hard when you haven't done it in a while, but I'm hoping that I can turn it into a habit like I did with my health tracking.

Listening: Silence. Most of the time I don't like my house to be completely sound free. It creeps me out. But lately, I've made myself sit in the silence to think and reflect on some things. I'm growing to like it.

Wanting: Some good news from our contractor this when he goes underneath our house to inspect the plumbing for our upcoming bathroom remodel next week. We have plans to shift some things around and I'm hoping we get the green light on that.

Needing: To go through our back bedroom. It's been a sort of junk room for the past two years and I think it's finally time to just start re-homing some things and throwing other stuff away. We don't need two broken TVs or an unused TV stand anymore!

Hoping: My next school session goes well. I'm taking what I've heard to be as a tough class, so wish me luck! Also, like this past session, I'm having to go all four days a week. It's a bit of a pain in the butt for me and for Hubs.

Avoiding: Cleaning out our back bedroom. Haha! Really I just need help with it is all, and Hubs works so hard during the week, so maybe we can tackle it (or at least get started on it) this weekend.

Wishing: My grandmother would make up her mind as to when the memorial for my great-grandmother will be. I'm upset enough about the whole situation, but if we get a last minute date then Hubs won't be able to make the trip with me.

Trying: To stay focused on my To-Do lists and not get sucked into the couch during the day anymore. I need to get my steps in, and staying busy is one of the best ways I can do that.

Hating: This wait for the new season of Game of Thrones. It's so close, yet still so far away!

Missing: My friends. It's been a long time since I've seen some of them and I really, really need to change that. I only have a small group, but they mean the world to me.

Praying: That my brother's move at the end of this month goes smoothly and that he is able to settle in well. His new position will be stressful, and a seamless move will help keep the stress levels down. This move will also be really hard on my mom, as that will make two of her three children who have moved out of state.

Thinking: About what to do for our two year anniversary comping up in April. We are already getting away that weekend because my cousin is getting married (just two days after our anniversary!), but I'm trying to figure out how to make it special for us too.


What have you been up to while I was away?

Currently, December

Loving: My new hair. Normally I do my own, but after an emotionally charged outburst of a confession of feelings and thoughts last week, Hubs conceded to letting me get a fancy salon hair appointment. I finally feel like I have an adult hair style.

Reading: Life and Death. Twilight reimagined. #dontjudgeme

Feeling: Excited. Anxious. Impatient. Exhausted. Reflective.

Watching: Other than Christmas movies, I've been extremely excited about Fixer Upper's new season. Joanna Gaines is my spirit animal, and I need her to visit Missouri and re-do my house. The Royals new season just started too! And Married at First Sight.

Writing: Notes. Haha! Finals are tomorrow and I'm #boobsdeep in notes. Plus I need to be on top of my game since I'm tutoring one of my classmates.

Listening: Adele (who isn't?). If you haven't seen the SNL skit of 'Hello' I suggest you do it right now. Click here to watch it. I'll wait...
Best thing you've seen all day right? You're welcome. And huge thanks to Cassie from Sage for insisting I watch it.

Wanting: To give Hubs is presents now! It's so hard not to because they are great gifts and I am so proud of myself for picking them out. The struggle between seeing his excited face now and waiting until Christmas Eve (when my family opens presents) is REAL.

Needing: To figure something out for this space while we're on the cruise. I've been such a slacker and have put it off 'til the very last minute. What might happen is we'll just have radio silence around here for a week. You guys will be so busy doing holiday things you won't notice I'm gone, for sure.

Hoping: To not get seasick on the boat, but instead come home with a nice glow-y tan. #BeJealous

Avoiding: Packing for vacation. Again. Putting it off until the last minute... same with laundry.

Wishing: We could skip the 14 hour drive and just magic ourselves (and our luggage) to my Mom's house Friday evening. I get so impatient once we hit Tennessee.

Trying: To stick to this crap Paleo diet thing. I am Mrs. Crabby Pants without bread and sugar.

Missing: My super long hair. I need it to grow faster.

Thinking: About all the things I need to do today. The list is long.

Considering: Cleaning out, organizing, and painting the back bedroom as soon as we get home in January. It's needed to be done for so long now, and I'm getting tired of all the clutter and the awful, blindingly pink walls.

Praying: For a lovely Holiday season for each and every one of you. Wishing you all much love and happiness! Merry Week Before Christmas!

Follow Your Heart

So... I dropped my Spanish II class. And it had nothing to do with my performance (which was pretty good) in the class, or the teacher, or anything like that. I dreaded every second I had to spend on the subject. D R E A D E D. I never wanted to learn the language. Ever. And I honestly have no idea why I started taking it in the first place, other than it's the only in-seat foreign language class at my campus.

I thought about it for days. I had an intense and in depth conversation with my advisor and the financial aid advisor about my feelings and my options. After getting all the facts, I decided to go with my heart despite the financial losses and time setbacks that would result when I made this move. That's how much I disliked this class, guys.

I'm going to take American Sign Language (ASL) online instead. When I first started school last summer, I saw that it was available to take and got excited. I have always wanted to learn to Sign, I even researched some basics a few years ago. The one downside is that I wasn't sure how I'd do with an online class. So I settled with stupid Spanish. I should have followed my heart. It would have saved me the time lost and disappointment I felt when I had to go to that class.

Sometimes the logical and more practical choice is not always the best choice for you and your wellbeing. So let your heart win from time to time. Buy the pretty shoes, order that slice of cake, wear that bold lip color, dye your hair pink, or put up your Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving (just me?). You'll be happier if you do.

October Recap + a Giveaway!

It's finally starting to feel like fall around here and I'm loving it. Fall and winter are my two favorite seasons. The air is crisp and cool, the changing leaves are so beautiful, and it's the start of the holiday season! That's the best part, really. My October, while relatively quiet, was still stuffed with good things.

1. Hubs and I attended a wedding for one of his old work buddies. It gave us a lovely reason to get dressed up.

2. Getting my groove back. I'm still working on this. But I'm feeling much more optimistic about it now, than I was at the beginning of October.

3. Bear. He's such a puppy still at 2.5 years old. He loves getting his belly scratched and with this cooler weather, he's loving being outside more. It's getting harder and harder to get him to come inside.

4. Fall Foliage. This was taken at the wedding we went to. The ceremony was held under this huge tree and all the colors and the light of the setting sun made it that much more magical.

5. I finally got my diploma in the mail! I was officially done with my Associates at the end of July. But I applied for "graduation" a little late to get it in August, so I had to wait until the end of October. only 1.5 years til I'm done with my Bachelors. Then on to my Masters.

6. While Bear has a natural "sweater" to keep him warm during these cooler months, Robbie does not. So I made him this sweater. It's not his favorite (he likes his Chewbacca hoodie more), he looks so handsome in it.

***

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Currently: October

Loving: My husband. I know, I know, this is kinda a big DUH, but you guys, he's been so great lately. I've been going through a bit of a rough patch with some changes happening and he's been so supportive and strong for me while I get my shit together.

Reading: Nothing at the moment. I'm taking a much needed brain break between school sessions.

Feeling: Too much to put into words.

Watching: The Tudors on Netflix (again), and The Walking Dead. I'm so excited about this new season.

Writing: This post (haha). But in all seriousness I need to come back to this place. I've missed it, and I think I'm at a point now where I it will do more good than bad for me to be here.

Listening: My girl, Taylor Swift. I'm still so in love with 1989, don't hate.

Wanting: To find the perfect pair of shoes to go with the dress I got for our cruise! Shopping trip planned for Wednesday, wish me luck!

Needing: For Missouri to decide if it wants to get on board with this whole fall thing. I mean, it's October and we just had temps in the mid 80s. What is that? That's part of the reason I moved here, dude. To have all the seasons. Get it together Missouri!

Hoping: That I made the right choice on not taking a Psychology course in the upcoming session. We'll see what happens.

Wishing: For it to be December already. I miss my mom. A lot. She just got back from a two week cruise to Hawaii, and it was torture to not be able to just call her up to chat or to let my emotions loose on someone who understand where they are coming from.

Trying: To stay positive despite the disappointment.

Hating: That I've let this blog sit on the back burner for too long. I'm working on moving it up a bit though!

Missing: My Tribe. xoxo

Praying: For patience.

Thinking: That I'm doing good. I posted twice this week already. *pats self on back*

Considering: Cutting my hair again. But I know I won't really do it.


What are you currently up to?

A Vague Post About Feelings Right Now

I've started, deleted, and restarted this post so many times I can't count. I've debated for a long time about whether or not to share what's going on with me on the blog, and quite honestly I still have reservations about it. So I'm going to that thing we're not supposed to do and write a vague post about it.

Emotions are tricky little devils that can sneak up on you out of no where, no matter how hard you try to keep them locked up and under control. Sometimes logic just flies out the window and leaves you floating up in the clouds with the rainbows and star dust that get your hopes up. Then reality swoops in popping your little bubble of happy hopefulness sending you plummeting back towards the ground.

I know I shouldn't have gotten so worked up over this, but my heart had other plans, secret plans it hid from my brain. And then I feel bad because I did get so emotional because there are others that have it much worse than I do right now. So I went to the store and got some Twizzlers and Chocolates, and now I'm having this writing session to get all of these emotions out. With Hubs keeping a close eye, reassuring me that it's ok that I have these feelings, but that there's still things we can be happy about. I shared my Twizzlers with him.

Wow... that really is kinda vague. But it's an accurate representation of my feelings lately, about more than one thing. As a blogger, my life is mostly laid out here for everyone to read. But Hubs and I feel that there are some things that we want to keep for ourselves. I'm trying to feel bad about being vague, and maybe I shouldn't post this because it's so vague, but my feelings are very real and in order to be as real as I can without revealing too much, sharing these feelings with you is better than radio silence, right?

Ducks in a Row

We've all heard, or even said, "I'm trying to get all my ducks in a row." It's a nice way of saying "I don't have my shit together yet, and I'm not sure how to get it together, but I know I'm supposed to." 

My thirteen year old self just knew that I was going to be married to the perfect man, living in the perfect house, with the perfect yard, in the perfect neighborhood, not too far from my parents, financially comfortable, and pregnant by age twenty three (HAHA). In reality I was jilted, broke, and moving back in with my parents. I didn't fulfill that dream I had for myself, and I thought of myself as a huge failure. I fell into a huge rut of self depreciation that led to the deep and dark hole of depression, despite my outward appearance. I felt like it was all my fault my proverbial ducks weren't in their tidy little row. 

Over the next five years, three boyfriends, three jobs, and six moves I finally found my center. I got to know myself better and what I really wanted for my life, rather than what society expected of me. It was only then that I was able to accept the love that I really deserved, and even then I almost slipped right back into my old habits. Philip defied all my negative expectations, proving every day that he truly cared for me even though my ducks were still wandering around all willy nilly. 

I foolishly thought that once we were married I would feel more settled, like my ducks would slowly fall into line. Combining our ducks was a bit of a challenge at first, but I think we've got them corralled. I'm going to be 29 this summer. Shouldn't my ducks mind me better and line up when I tell them to? And why do they have to be ducks? What about blue birds, chickadees, or cardinals? In fact, why does it have to be a bird at all? Let's not discriminate! Can we have llamas, elephants, or bunnies instead? 

I digress. When will I feel like I have my shit together? Does anyone even feel that way ever? Of course I went to Llama with these questions, and she posed a question to me: "why don't you feel like you do?" I really had to think a moment before responding. I had to be honest with myself and dig down deep before I had my answer: "I think it's so many failures and not finding my passion until later in life. I feel like I'm so behind and I'm scrambling to catch up with my biological clock." (And by biological clock I mean society's view of how our lives should progress and my teenage dreams.) And she responded "Yeah, that makes sense. I think you are doing great though. And at least you FOUND your passion. That's more than a lot of people much older can say." Wise words of truth, Llama. Wise words. 

I felt even more at ease with where I am after talking to my mom. She said she didn't feel truly at peace with her life until she retired. What's funny about that is that I totally think that my mom has had her shit together for, like, my whole life. She always seemed like she did anyways, but that only proves that the face we put on for the world isn't always in line with how we really feel. For the record, she said I wasn't a weirdo for having undisciplined ducks. 

And then Kendra weighed in: "I don't think anyone feels like everything is in line and even if they do, it's not for long. I think it's more of just accepting the life that is in front of you and enjoying every moment regardless." I have smart friends. Acceptance of the life I have is something I need to work harder on. Don't get me wrong! I love my life with Philip and our furkids. I have a rewarding job and a truly enjoy school. But I've had a hard time letting go of those childhood expectations of what my life would be like and forgiving myself for not meeting that timeline. I'm working on it, one day at a time. 

Do you feel like your ducks are in a row? If so, at what point did this feeling occur?

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7 Things I Do That My Husband Thinks Are Weird

Ah Husbands (or boyfriends, fiancees, dads... really just men in general). The heroes of our worlds. They can do so many great things: bring home the bacon, carry ALL the grocery bags inside in one trip, mow the lawn, and do math in their heads at lightening speeds. But there are some things they really don't get, amiright? I don't know about you but my husband things some of the things I've done for nearly all my life are just down right weird, and I'm going to list them out for you today.

1. The Accent Nail
You know, the pretty pattern or glitter right finger nail. Hubs always turns his nose up when I do them and calls me a weirdo. He just doesn't understand why I can't do all my nails the same way all the time.

2. Why I Need Four Different Shades of Purple Nail Polish
Purple is purple right? WRONG! Hubs just doesn't get that darker purples are for fall and winter and lighter/brighter ones are for spring and summer.

3. Wearing a Hair Tie on Your Wrist ALL The Time
Seriously? I thought he was joking when he asked me about it one day. Nope, he doesn't get why I have to have one on me every second of the day. Men just do not understand the spontaneous need to pull your hair back in the middle of the day.

4. Eating Cereal Out of a Cup
Ok. This may just be me, but I have been doing this since I was in middle school. My mom had just bought new dishes and the bowls that came with the set were so tiny that I always had to get a second bowl of cereal in the morning. One day I just grabbed a big plastic cup and having been eating my cereal that way every since.

5. Starbucks
Nope, my hubs doesn't get why I love the coffee chain so much. Honestly, it's really a treat for me during school, because caffeine is so needed to stay focused in class. Plus, it's just really really good.

6. Use Body Wash Over Bar Soap
In his brain, bar soap is cheaper and it lasts loner. He has a point, but in my brain I don't get the exfoliation and moisture I need from a bar soap that I do from my body wash and loofa. I take pride on my skin and want to keep it looking young as long as I can.

7. Snapchat
I know he's not the only one in this boat. I didn't really get it at first either, but once I just buckled down and learned how it works I was hooked. Then I started adding bloggy friends and it got even better! If you want to give it another try, Melissa did a great tutorial!


What are some things the man/men in your life just don't get about you?

Let's Play Catch Up

Whew! It's been a while, and I'm sorry not sorry about it. Sometimes life just has to come first and I have come to terms with this, and no longer feel guilty about having to step away from the blog for a bit.

Anywho. A lot has been going on lately, so lets catch up with a Currently post.


Loving: My husband. In the past month he has shown me so much love. Starting with letting me keep my little man Robbie, then conceding to my iPhone upgrade, buying us the brand-new-king-sized-sent-from-heaven-matress-of-perfection (which is being delivered on Saturday!), and booked our cruise for December. Amazing isn't he?

Reading: Nothing. I need to catch up on my blog reading, and now that things are starting to seem like they are calming down and getting back into routine I just might be able to start.

Feeling: Exhausted, but refreshed at the same time. My body is so tired every day from work, but opening this sparkly new post to type up is making me feel so much better.

Watching: Game of Thrones!  Things are finally starting to get good.

Writing: Again, nothing. Besides this post, the only thing I've written is nurse's notes and they aren't very exciting. BUT I have several good ideas for posts that I'm going to start writing soon.

Listening: Worth It by Fifth Harmony. I just can't get enough of this song lately.

Wanting: For Bear to be done with the spring shedding. Right now there are tufts of fur all over my house. It looks like I haven't vacuumed in weeks. In reality, I vacuumed day before yesterday. The struggle is real. And all of that is AFTER brushing him outside and getting over half a trash bag of fur off him each time.

Needing: To reverse all of the ceiling fans in our house to the summer settings. Heat and stagnant air are not my thing.

Hoping: Things get sorted out at work without too many crazy changes.

Avoiding: Laundry, like always.

Wishing: It was December already! I can't wait for our cruise! We're leaving right after Christmas and going to Florida, Mexico, Jamaica, Bahamas, the Grand Cayman Islands, and back to Florida. Neither one of us has ever been on a cruise before and this will be our first real vacation together, as well as a super late honeymoon.

Trying: To increase my step count each day. This is so much harder than I realized it would be. #lazy

Hating: How much down time I don't have anymore. It really sucks, and even more so since we don't have internet at work anymore.

Missing: My Tribe.

Praying: For a smooth summer. It's not my favorite season.

Thinking: About so many things that I couldn't even fit it all into one post.


So that my life lately. What have you been up to?

Armadillo Season

Over the weekend, Hubs and I traveled the 30 minutes to get Chipotle and do a little shopping. While we were driving home I counted 14 Armadillo bodies on the side of the highway. I turned to Hubs and said that it must be Armadillo season. That started me thinking about seasons and time, and ultimately the verse you see above from Ecclesiastes came to mind.

The past few weeks have been a bit stressful for me; papers, finals, ongoing craziness at work, and some tough personal decisions that need to be made. I neglected several things, including this blog, and on the one hand I am sorry, but on the other hand, I'm not. I needed to step away bit to keep myself sane and my husband from thinking I'm a hermit. Right now it seems like this phase will never end, like I will never feel at peace with my life again. That's when I go back to Ecclesiastes chapter 3 and I am reminded and reassured that this season of my life will come to an end and a new one will begin.

I've got two weeks until the summer session starts, and I've decided to only take one course. Giving myself a bit of a brain break, especially since the course I chose will be a pretty easy one. Another great thing about this course is that it gives me the right credits to get my Associates Degree. Woot!

Today I am grateful for the reassurance from God that things will get better. I'm grateful to have a supportive husband who's got my back. I'm grateful life gives me options to choose from.

What are you grateful for?

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Currently

Loving: All of the spring flowers and my new haircut.

Reading: Articles for my term papers. I've got two of them and they are ten pages each. Ugh!

Feeling: Rested. I had a couple of lovely days off, but now it's back to work.

Watching: Game of Thrones. So freaking excited about this new season. Anyone else watch it?

Writing: Besides this post, notes from the articles for my term papers. At least it's the same topic just for different ages.

Listening: To Bear barking at Lord knows what outside, the fan blowing, Hubs snoring, and the clock ticking.

Wanting: To be able to take a cruise at Christmas time. Our first real vacation together.

Needing: an iPhone 6. But Hubs won't let me get one.

Hoping: Magnus get fixed and sent back to me soon. I was so frustrated Monday when I couldn't get it to boot back up. If you follow me on Twitter, you probably saw that I had to ship it back for repairs since we don't have an Apple Store anywhere near us.

Avoiding: Putting the laundry away... #dontjudgeme

Wishing: That I had more hours in the day. There always seems to be more to do that I have time or energy for, and I don't even have a kid. Hat's off to all you Mom's out there.

Trying: To not overwork myself and take on more than I can handle. Our life is delicate balance and I don't want to tip the scales.

Hating: the heat already. Ugh.

Missing: My Llama, as always.

Praying: For the answers and directions we need on several things at the moment. Adulting is hard you guys.

Thinking: About what book I want to read from my list next.

Considering: taking summer classes, but a break sounds good too. 

What's going on in your life currently?

Answers Sometimes Lead to More Questions

I'm exhausted. I am not used to working and my body is screaming at me. I'm kinda glad that I have this week to adjust before school starts up again next week. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my new job. It's so rewarding, and the people I help to take care of are so interesting. I've got a hilarious conversation for the link-up later this month.

My schedule will be busier than ever starting Friday, you should see our calendar board in our kitchen. So if you text or snapchat me, it may take me a little longer to reply. Or even email... and blog comments. Yeah. Sorry. I still love you though.

In other news. That blood work I mentioned last week, well everything came back normal. Great news right? Sorta. It didn't explain the symptoms I've been experiencing, some of which started about five years ago and have gotten increasingly worse. The nurse who gave me my results consulted with my doctor and called me back later that afternoon. I can't say I was surprised by what she said; I have actually been suspecting for a while that this may be the answer. It makes sense.

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. (You can read more about it here.)

There is a really high chance that I have it. The only way to know for sure is to have an ultrasound done. My doctor wants to try one more thing before we do that though, so he put me on another medication to see if it helps.

I haven't really reacted just yet. I think my mom had more of a reaction than I did when I told her. She wanted to know for sure, right this second. I told her it was ok, and that it can wait. She said it was important. Then I told her that it didn't matter. If I had it, I had it. It's not curable. She mentioned kids. I told her it was ok, we didn't really want kids anyways.

I think she was hoping deep down that we would change our minds about that decision. I don't know if we will, especially now.

But then I started thinking about it and I'm sad and angry. Before now it was mine and Hubs' decision to not have kids, and now that decision has been taken away from us. My body has decided it for us.


I don't really know how to end this post. I sat here for about twenty minutes trying to think of something else to say, but nothing came. It probably didn't help that I was watching The Fault in Our Stars and crying into Misty's fur while writing this post. I guess I could say that I'm relieved to have answers, even if I don't like them.