It's My Birthday & I'll Freak Out If I Want To

My 21st birthday tiara!

I don't feel like writing a clever introduction for this post, so I'm just gonna get right to it.

I'm not dealing well with this whole birthday/getting older thing happening to me tomorrow. 

Being almost thirty is really getting to me. And not because of the number itself really. It's more about where I thought I'd be in my life and where I actually am. You see, when I was 17 I had great plans for my life, and I am not even close to where I thought (and wanted) to be. I imagined myself graduated college and starting a fantastic career at 21-22, married by 23, baby by 25, and perhaps another by 27. It's amazing how one's dreams and goals change in just ten years. 

Then life punched me in the face a few times and my dreams and goals had to adjust. I ended up leaving college after one year, because money. I moved out on my own at 19 and worked my ass off (with no car) just to prove I could make it without help (and I did! Told ya so, Mom!). Almost married the wrong guy at 23, and then had to start all over again. Finally, after a few more bad relationships (one was particularly toxic and still affects me to this day), I met Philip (in person) at 26 and my dream of getting married seemed reachable again. But like I said in this post, my feelings about children have changed drastically. 

As I'm getting older, I'm also having to accept that everyone else in my life is getting older too. It's really hard for me to think about my mom being "old," and my grandparents... I just can't. What do you mean we can't do cartwheels together in the back yard anymore?? Then there are my siblings. The youngest, E, is a senior in high school. A SENIOR. In my head E is still 7 years old and will only eat hot dogs, sugary cereal, and PBJ sandwiches. And there's my best friend Melissa. Her son, Zander, started pre-k this week! I was at that hospital for almost 24 hours reminding Melissa to breathe and to help bring that baby into this world (#proudAunt). I was one of the first people to see his tiny red face, to count his tiny fingers and toes, and to hold his tiny body in a bundle of blankets. Why can't they stay babies forever?? I'm not even going to go into the happenings of my grade school "friends" on Facebook that have made me feel behind/old.

I feel like everyone is getting older/growing up, and I'm just sitting here still feeling like I'm 17 years old with no idea how to really do this thing called life.

Please don't get me wrong. I Love my husband, and I Love our life together. I wouldn't change a thing about my life because it brought me to where I am today. I'm just feeling a bit sad as I reflect on the dreams of that naive 17 year old girl, and comparing those to the harsh realizations about life I've learned as I am entering the late edition of my twenties.