Over the past few years my feelings about children have changed. If you had asked me in 2009 if I was going to have them and how many did I want, I would have told you "Absolutely!" and "two". Fast forward to 2011, and my feelings started to wane, and have continued to do so to this day.
First, I have to say that after a huge breakup in 2012 I never thought I was going to get married EVER, much less have any kids. (that totally changed when I met Philip, the marriage part, not the kids part)
Second, I was a nanny for about a year in 2009 (plus I am the oldest of seven), so I have a pretty good idea about what goes into being a parent. I'm not saying I know it all, I'm just saying I have an idea.
Third, I'm selfish and lazy. I like my alone time. I like my house being tidy and clean. I like being able to just walk out the door and go somewhere. I like sleeping. I want all of my husband's attention when he's home. I like having money to spend on things for myself or Hubs (or the cats and Bear if I'm being totally honest).
... a child changes everything.
Hubs and I are still working on us, continuing to build on that solid foundation of our relationship so our marriage castle will stand the test of time. And I don't want to do anything to mess that up, and that includes having a baby.
And then there are all of the questions:
What if I'm not a good parent?
Will I get frustrated and angry to easily?
How will childrearing affect my anxiety and depression?
How will we afford a child?
What if the stress of childrearing strains my marriage?
Will the cats accidentally suffocate a baby?
What will we have to give up?
How do we know when/if we're really ready?
Will I even be able to conceive?
Hubs and I have had a few conversations about having a baby, but nothing super serious yet. We agreed that IF we decide to reproduce, we will only have ONE child. I'm not sure I could handle more. We agreed that discipline will be split as equally as possible. We agreed that our child will not watch snarky Disney Channel TV shows. We agreed that our child will be well-behaved or face consequences. The only things we don't agree on from our conversations so far is our preferred gender. I would want a girl and he wants a boy.
It will be a few years before we really start thinking seriously about having a child. And every time the subject comes up in conversation (because we all know it does), I get the "You're not getting any younger," comment. Yes, I know I'm almost 30. In face, I'll be 28 next friday. Yes, I know it's harder to conceive after 30. Yes, I know how old I might be when a possible child of mine starts college. But wouldn't you rather me wait until I know for sure my husband and I are ready in every possible way to raise a child, than to just pop one out all willy nilly because you think it's time?
So it may or may not happen for us. But you know what? I am determined to be happy either way.
I hope it's not that hard to conceive b/c I'm 30 now and haven't had a child yet and plan to by the time I'm 40. It was 30 but God had other plans. I'm just glad I found someone who wants both marriage and kids b/c some guys dont want either.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely nothing wrong with your decision. I think the fact that your putting so much thought in it means that you are being responsible which in turn tells me you would probably be a great mom if that is what you decided to do. Either way, your life is yours and if children don't fit into your equation then so be it. I have 3 kids, I wouldn't take the world for any of them but I do see why some people may not want to have kids. It's all a personal decision :)
ReplyDeleteI was the complete opposite of you. I always swore that I would never have or want kids. Then I met and started dating a guy that had kids, and my thoughts started changing. At first, I thought I'd be content with the idea of just being a step-mom. Then I decided I wanted my own child(ren). And right now, I'm kinda at an in-between stage. That guy and I are still sorta dating, but we've also taken a step backwards. I still want to have a baby (two if I can have twins and only be pregnant once!). But I'm also scared to death of the idea of being a mom.
ReplyDeleteIronically. I had a dream last night about being pregnant. Like, very, very, about-to-pop pregnant. Bizarre.
This is something I really struggle with. I want to be a parent but I'm not sure if I want the responsibility of being a parent. I'm also not sure if I want to ever have a pregnancy. I don't like going to the doctor until absolutely necessary and I can't imagine that I would ever go to all the appointments that are usually required.
ReplyDeleteI'm the opposite when it comes to size. I either want a clan or none at all.
I respect your choice and feelings towards this. I cannot imagine not having children. I've been surrounded by little babies the last few months and I can feel my ovaries yelling at me (is that TMI?) to start having babies. Thomas and I have talked about it. We decided we'll start trying in 2 years. We debated between 2 and 3 kids. He wanted 2 and I lean more towards 2 because my siblings each have 2, so the competitor in me wants one more. A couple of weeks ago someone asked him how many we would have and he said 3 - so I guess I won that argument!
ReplyDeleteHey there - your decision is your decision. Nobody else can make that decision for you, regardless of the questioning! Being responsible about deciding to (or not) have children is the best way to go about it. And you have some very strong and valid truths in the benefits of not having children! I will say that all of those questions running through your mind go through your mind as well, when pregnant and after already making that decision TO have kids - so you're not alone in that wondering and doubt! I still wonder if I'll be a good mom and my kid is 18 mos old. I think I'll probably wonder that for the rest of my life! Also, sooooo many people have babies in their 30s these days. I have a large number of friends who've had their children in their late 30s. So do not let anyone pressure you because of timing...my mom used to say that my 'eggs are 29 years old too, Bec'....!!? Ugh. So frustrating. But I got good at ignoring it. Hopefully you will to!
ReplyDeleteAll I will say is that you and your husband are the only people who should factor into your decision. Don't let anyone else get in the mix, and when people question you, brush it off. I can't think of anything funny or snappy to quip back at them, but maybe someone else can come up with something. It's none of their business anyway!
I'm so glad to see another one who actually decided to not have kids first thing after getting married. It IS ok to not have kids! Just like it's ok to HAVE them. I'm 40 and we decided we're too old. Before that, I felt too uncertain about things in life, I needed to get a better job, and I didn't think I would be a good mother because I had too much stress around me. I still do. I would die from stress with a child.
ReplyDeleteYou have a lot of sound thoughts about this which shows you're serious about these things and that is good.
Preach on.
ReplyDeleteI'm only 24 and I don't even have a boyfriend, let alone a husband, but I'm not sure I'll ever want kids either. And if I do, I think one will be plenty.
I think some people have kids so young because they're trying to fill some kind of void in their life... not saying this is everyone, but I think there are a great many young parents who don't think as much as they should before conceiving.
It's great that you and Philip have had these conversations and are mostly (save for the gender, which would be beyond control anyway) on the same page as far as how you will parent IF you choose to do so.
Kudos to you on not feeling it necessary to jump into parenthood.